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Unhappy in my marriage

I’m a very private person. I keep journals where I store my true thoughts and poetry. I’m introverted and recently writing in my journals hasn’t been enough. I like the fact that this is anonymous. I write to get the demons out of my head. I don’t intend to write my life story because that would take up a book.

I write because I can’t find where I fit anymore. I’m a feminist, I’m 25 and married with two children (2 years and 8 months). I’m a stay-at-home mom. I have a master’s degree. I live in the U.S. and it seems as though feminism has forgotten stay-at-home moms, especially young moms. Sometimes I wonder if I can still call myself a feminist when my life revolves around the needs of others. I don’t anticipate anything changing once I start working. Aside from my paid work I’ll still have unpaid work to do when I get home. Is it selfish to want more for myself? If I didn’t spend so much time doing mindless work like cleaning and cooking, I would have more time to think deeply, educate myself more in all subjects, travel, learn from strangers, the list is never ending with possibilities. The only way I can see that happening is if I had enough money to pay someone to do it for me, the mindless work. I probably will reach my highest earning potential by age 40-45. Let’s say I live to be 75, that only gives me about 30 years to do what I really enjoy.

I can already hear the criticisms. Why did you get married? Why did you have children? If you want more time for yourself, “family life” seems contrary to that, doesn’t it? I fell in love, I wanted children, but it’s true I ponder this every day. How can I be a feminist mother, wife, do all the housework, knowing all the while that marriage is a patriarchal order? Studies show that married men are happier in marriages than women and I can see why. Men get all the benefits while women get more restrictions. It’s true I’m not happy in marriage but not because of my husband but because of my stupidity. What did I expect? I basically walked myself to being unhappy, my husband doesn’t do chores, rarely helps with the kids, cooks maybe once a week and we fuck quite often. The sex is great. That’s one thing I can never complain about but we are young and I can never rule out the possibility that one day he will cheat on me with a younger more attractive woman or any woman for that matter. My duties are calling, I could go on but I have mindless work to attend to.


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