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Love & Other Pains

At the moment, I am twenty years old and I’m kind of in a really bad place. When I was fourteen years old I fell in love with one of my seniors in school and I knew that because she was older I would never be able to keep her happy; or so I thought. I was in love with her until I turned 16, and then she left school and moved to another town but luckily not too far away. I wouldn’t use the word ‘stalk’ but I really tried to win her over more times than I can count. One day out of the blue she sent me a message. I still remember every word, she said; “Hi this is Kaylen. Don’t know if you remember me but I remember you and I am so sorry for everything”. As it turned out she needed a shoulder to cry on because life was treating her pretty rough. We started chatting for probably more than a week and later on we started to get that feeling that we can’t go a day without at least saying hi to each other. We connected on such a level that we fell in love and all my previous feelings for her came back, but a lot stronger this time. Then we agreed that we would meet in person but her job made it impossible for us to get that chance, until she got a wedding invitation from her aunt here in my town and she got leave from work.

She had a driver’s license but she didn’t have that much driving experience so then she thought of an idea. An idea that I really liked. We agreed that I would take the bus to her, spend the night and then drive back here with her car the next day. Me, having a license as well and a great amount of driving experience it was the best idea. That night, it was late we couldn’t really spend that much time together, as we would leave very early and had to get some sleep. It was just so magical that we are finally together and that I can finally hold her in my arms.
I was so excited, planning out everything we would do when we got back. We left that morning around 4am, as it was about a 500km drive. I drove the whole time until she started complaining that she would love to drive even if it’s just for ten minutes. Well after hours of disagreeing I finally pulled over and let her get behind the wheel. She drove like a pro, I was really impressed and I could relax and sit back. She made maybe a few mistakes here and there like forgetting her turn signal or shifting into fifth as she has never really had the need to use that gear in town; but other than that, it was quite smooth.
She drove about thirty km when I was completely relaxed and even took out my phone and kept myself busy. But then something happened. We approached a tight turn and the left wheels hit the ground; she got such a big fright from the noise she plucked the wheel towards the right and back to the left again. I knew this was it and I knew I had to do something, but we were going about 130km/h and there was nothing I could do at that moment. We spun around for maybe 1 second until we started rolling. I still remember everything and how it felt every time the car would hit the ground. When the car finally stopped in the bushes about three hundred metres away from the road I immediately turned to her. My door was torn off and my feet hit the road several times making me believe I would never be able to use them again. But I stayed calm, I knew that I had to check on her first but she wasn’t in the car anymore. She was just lying on the ground about ten metres from the car. I could see she was in a lot of pain and that she was dying. I crawled towards her with a cracked rib, broken feet and internal wounds. She was just calling me the whole time and by the time I got to her she was barely breathing.

I lay down next to her and just held her in my arms fearing for the worst. I couldn’t believe what just happened but I knew it wasn’t a dream and I knew I had to keep calm. Even though I wanted to scream from the pain and just pass out. I told her to close her eyes and to just breathe slowly and I assured her that I will not leave her side. There wasn’t anything I could do. She was in shock and didn’t even know what happened or why we were hurt on the side of the road. She stared to breathe very slow and after a few minutes it just stopped. She passed away. It was like there was a worldwide silence consuming me. My thoughts and everything that was going on just disappeared. The ambulance and the police came about half an hour after that. I was depressed for maybe more than a year. Blaming myself for everything, not even wanting to look at another girl. I had a rough childhood and life as well and she was the only light I saw. But after she died I went into a dark, dead space. I had counselling but it didn’t help. The only thing that helped was marijuana. It helped me through everything and I owe my life to it.

Months after I turned nineteen I met a girl at the hospital doing an internship there. She was from the Czech Republic and her name was Lucie. To make a long story short we started dating and we fell in love. To be honest I was more in love with her than Kaylen and I am not ashamed to admit it. She showed me what it’s like to love, to have someone in your life that makes every day worth fighting for. She showed me that there is a point to everything we go through. I love her more than I love myself and I would give my life up for her in a heartbeat. I only know her a few months but what we shared was more than just sex, kisses and hugs. It felt as if I was part of her and she was the part that fit perfectly into my broken spaces. I don’t know how to explain it even more but she is my everything and she is my life. But she had to go back her country, and we both knew it. And because she couldn’t extend her stay she just had to go. That morning when I dropped her off I really wanted to just fall down a hole and never come back out again.
I am not always sure she knows how much she means to me or that she knows that I would do anything for her. I would swim across the ocean just to see her, even if it’s just from afar. She has the sweetest most beautiful smile and her whole face lights up like New York when she smiles. I can have one of the worst days ever and she would make me feel better even with just a smile. We agreed that early this year I will fly to her and we will agree on what to do next, living arrangements and so on. But the problem I have now is; what if she can’t wait that long for me? What if she falls out of love? These things happen, as no one can know what the future holds. I am dying, seriously I am dying without her. I can’t concentrate, I perform badly in my work, I cry a lot (which is something I never do) and I dream about her almost every night, waking up to find she’s not next to me. I need her to understand what she means to me. I need her to know how much I love her. But I already told her all these things, but these are only words. I need to show her. But how can I show her if she’s more than 12000km away? How do I keep myself from falling to pieces? How can I wait to see her if I want to see her now? Every day, all day! My mind is falling apart and my body is not going to last any longer. I need help. I really do. I need her!


One Comment

  1. Your story touched me, made me want to reach out to you I am married for 18 yrs and have 3 teenagers in the house. I have learned not to rely on passion….but I had to seek my own happiness….without depending on hubby all the time. Happiness is where you feel the Peace and not let worry overwhelm you. I am praying for you, you seem very respectful young man with great expressive writing skills. Hugs.

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