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For years I’ve put myself down asking why me?


I have suffered with anxiety for almost all of my life and this past year has been the worst it’s ever been. The other day I finally realised a few things. I realised the reason I have lost a lot of friends over the years is not because I’ve got something wrong with me and I’m not like them or because I’ve not been bothered to make effort which is what they would say. In fact, I’ve always wanted to keep in touch with people but all my life I’ve felt I’m not good enough and that people don’t like me, I suppose being bullied for years in school didn’t help. So, because I didn’t feel I was good enough and felt that people wouldn’t understand, if I was invited out I found it easier to use a different excuse rather than my anxiety, I didn’t feel like I could say I’m having a bad day and can’t be in a public place around a lot of people. I felt if I said that then people wouldn’t believe or understand and in fact what I ended up doing was just pushing people away. I’ve not pushed people away deliberately but I have now realised it is what I was doing, by not opening up and being honest with myself and others that is the effect it has had.

I’ve had a lot of moments over the past year where I have had bad attacks and it’s been a constant struggle health wise but when you have just one person there for you constantly it can help. My boyfriend came into my life over a year ago and he has experienced my anxiety at its worst, where I’ve not been able to leave the house for days or weeks, I’ve had numerous panic attacks, I’ve lashed out and shouted where I can’t handle it and didn’t want to feel like this.

I didn’t want to have the thoughts I have run through my mind all day long. I didn’t want to constantly struggle to sleep, to socialise, to make effort, to take life as it comes. He has tried his hardest to understand what he could about how my mind works and what little things will get to me and what will make me worry. He has always reassured me, calmed me down in attacks and no matter how much I try to push him away (not on purpose) he comes fighting back. I cannot thank him enough for what he does to me and I’m extremely lucky to have him wanting to help me. I’m also very lucky to have the mum that I do, she’s been there for me no matter what through all the years when times have gotten tough and hard and when I get a bad attack and can’t go outside she’s always tried to help.

For years I’ve put myself down asking why me? Why can’t I just be normal? I don’t want to be like this, I want to be able to go out and socialise all the time, I want to be able to walk to the shops every day and get out the house. I don’t want to worry about everything and let the tiniest of things affect me because it’s not how I have it set in my mind. It’s as if something is always out of place and I can’t cope when it’s like that, so when a plan changes or something goes wrong rather than just dealing with it and sorting it I get really anxious and can sometimes bring on an attack.
There’s so many people that suffer with anxiety and a lot of people don’t realise they have it and think that something is wrong with them, I always did.

Lately I have realised that it’s okay to have anxiety and it will be okay. It’s okay to tell people when you can’t go out and if people don’t want to understand then that’s okay too. I will always suffer with it but I can try and do things to help. Most people will just say it’s in your mind and to just change the way you think but you can’t it’s a lot harder than that. I’m very grateful for the very few people who do understand why I can’t go out all the time and why I can’t do certain things a lot of the time. There’s so many things that contribute to someone who suffers and this is just a small amount. For me it helps to get things off my chest and write them down, all my thoughts and feelings which is another reason I have done this. I just want people to just give a bit more time to others and to give them a chance, not everyone can express themselves straight away so just to be patient and don’t judge each other. We all have our own battles and we should just respect each other and have some more understanding. Of course, there will be days that I will feel suffocated and stuck and struggle to do every day things but that is okay because I’m not alone.

Nobody is ever alone.


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