I have decided that I don’t belong here anymore and I have no more reason to carry on.
My life as it is has come to an end, as short as it has been its time to start closing chapters and stop trying.
I’m not happy in this place on this earth. So I want to be happy and that would be in another place. Looking back, it feels like I lost my childhood. As I grew older, I started isolating myself from my family and friends and had problems sleeping with night terrors.
I used to find it difficult to concentrate in school and had problems remembering stuff. To cope I used to self-harm. Rather then allowing myself to take it out on anyone else, but things only became harder to cope with and accept, so harming myself wasn’t doing what I needed it to do. So I started to plan the next steps to relieve the pain. Everyday I wake up hoping to die. Wishing something was going to save me from the hurt and the everyday Pain that I go through. Like everything else, nothing has ever gone the way I have wanted it to. That’s why I’m still here today.
On the 05-04-2014 was the day I decided to give up and take my finally steps and to be able to close my eyes and have the pain just drift away for the final time, as time went on I became uncomfortable and became really weak in my mind laying down praying that this would be the last day it would all stop. But I woke up the next day.. As I didn’t do enough. Which I thought I had done! As time went on I became more scared to reattempt as I was worried that doing it again could cause long term life effects which would cause me more problems to deal with which wouldn’t be irreversible and having to deal with living a life I had no control over would send me into an even darker place where I wouldn’t wish to be.
Growing up was a horrible time to deal with. Watching and hearing all the violence around me shared mentally and verbally and physically towards me and others in the house hold I have no other choice but to put up with it. I knew no better and though what I was going through was normal for a family having its bust ups was a normal thing for them to do. I couldn’t have imagined it any other ways for a young boy ages 6 who would? But now i wish it had all just had been different seeing a family walking down the street smiling laughing. Having the close connections as they do makes me wish I could of just known what that felt like. Having someone close to look after me making sure every corner I turned was safe. Being able to feel that love that people talk about between the family or parents I could only dream to know what that feels like. But now its to late and as I grew older I knew there wasn’t a chance that I was going to regain that feeling or supported background.
Years on as I began to grow up and understand emotion and feelings more clearly the more scared I was of becoming older having the realization of facing this world alone and having every struggle to deal with by myself. All I have wanted was a family, a place to call home somewhere, I can relax and hide away and start to retrieve that feeling of being happy and have it stay. Not leave overtime when I walk out another front door. A place to put my bags down and pack them away only needing them for an adventure or a holiday as that’s what most people would need them for or even general day to day work. But to me a bag is my home as weird as it sounds, everything that I carry is all I have and that’s all I have learned to protect and care for. Making sure that I will always have something to call mine. I would never ask for much, but just to be happy but if that’s not able to happen than I don’t ever see anything being able to change not tomorrow not ever again.
Many people say the story I tell I should keep inside and some things are best kept quite but I’m not someone to lie if you wanna know who I am expect it all. Don’t think its going to be easy, I only share what I have been threw with people who want to understand I’m not a kid with loads of dreams, I’m not a boy with a happy story to tell and I’m not a teenager who’s proud of where he is today. What scares me the most if I’m 20 this year, teenager stage is gone, I’m an adult – what will I have to still deal with? Where will I have to go and who will I have to cross to get there.
Will it get easy in time? I lost hope, I have no faith.
When one door closes a bigger one opens they say.
I hope that’s the case.