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I need to get this out

I need to get this out.
I don’t remember when it first happened but I remember it happening to me.
When I was younger I got raped by my step father. I don’t even know which hole he put it in even if he actually did put it but I remember the feeling of his penis in my pants. It felt uncomfortable. I think he did put it in, but it wasn’t sore.

It happened few times once he took a shower with me, once my mother was passed out behind a wind screen with my younger sisters playing in the pool. He started beating up my mom around when my sister was born, he done that before but it got more intense. My younger sister is 7 and she lived through watching her mom beat up by her father and her mother turning into an alcoholic.

Once even when he moved out he came for a night to my alcoholic mother, he proposed me sex. I was in or around twelve. We were finally taken away from my mother. She not even the mom I loved years ago. My sisters live with him now. I won’t forgive him. But I’ll stay quiet for my younger sisters. They’re my only light, I live for them. I hate alcohol it made my life miserable. I was abused by someone who was like a father for me. I blame myself for my mum. I wasn’t born they would have a beautiful life, everyone. I’m too afraid to kill myself, but I’m broken I can’t trust or love again I only feel jealousy and hate I’m fourteen and no one ever tried to talk to me they think I’m strong but I’m weak.

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