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I’m such an organized freak

I’m such an organized freak. Everything must fall correctly as I lay them otherwise I freak out, and start the normal process (normal for me anyway) of cocooning in a shell and becoming invisible. That’s what I do when faced with things that don’t go my way. See before I do anything I like to plan out how it’s going to turn out. If I don’t see a clear ending in my head I won’t go for it. I don’t like the unpredictability, the not knowing how something is going to end. I like things to be predictable. It’s where I feel my most comfortable. It’s where I shine through and actually hold some personality. Terrible way of living, isn’t it? Seems terribly boring with no spice at all. Life is a huge ball of unpredictability and nothing ever goes the way it’s planned. But not for me, I don’t like things not going how I planned. It makes me feel uneasy not knowing what will happen next, it makes my head spin, my stomach churn and knot in every way possible, it quickens my heart beats causing my blood vessels to feel as if they are on the brink of a catastrophic explosion.

I am the world’s greatest overthinker. If there was a contest being held for a person who does the most thinking, I would be placed on top. The medal shinning in my hands as I hold it proudly above my head and stare out to the other over thinkers in the world who just didn’t think as much as I did. My overthinking is why unpredictability and I would never be seen in the same room chatting happily over a cup of hot coffee. I avoid it at all costs. Imagine being deathly afraid of the color black…. think about it for a second. How many things in the world are black? This font in itself is black, the keyboard, the mouse, heck even parts of this laptop I am typing on are covered in black. Now imagine trying to live your life without ever bumping into the color black? Seems impossible, right? Well that’s my life in a nutshell.

This blog is for me like throwing myself in an apartment that is head to toe covered in all things black knowing my fear of the color. It’s unpredictable. I can’t see the ending to this, I can’t see if this will help me or if this will just throw me into a huge breakdown that I won’t get out of. I can’t predict anything when I think of this blog. My mind goes blank, it goes quiet. Lately that’s a feeling I crave. The blankness… as if my mind has FINALLY just stopped fucking thinking. Do you know how terribly stressful it is to be an overthinker? Obsessively thinking about every which outcome to every scenario you are faced with throughout the day. It can drive a person mad and I feel I am well over the sane level by now.

So, I started a blog and I am going to write about how I became this overthinking fanatic. Surprisingly I was not always this way. It very simply all began with one moment that changed my life forever. A moment that seemed so promising, simple, and blissful when I was in it. A moment that kept growing and growing until I wasn’t living blissfully in it, I was trapped with what seemed like no escape. In fact, after a while I stopped plotting my escape and just accepted my fate. This is a blog for the readers that want a dose of a stranger than fiction reality which is my life. A train wreck to some if you will, or a beautiful tragedy to others. Whatever you may think, give it a read and at the end of the day become the thing I fear the most, an unpredictable stranger. It’s only helping me overcome this torturing mindset I seem stuck in. Perhaps unpredictability is exactly the thing I need to face to release me from the thing that haunts me most. Myself.

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