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I feel my lungs crushing my legs shaking and my eyes watering every time I think of you

If I knew it would take only a year and a couple months to finally talk and call you my friend I wouldn’t have wasted my time craving for your attention and begging for your eyes to just make contact with mine.

Just for you to notice me. The way you graced into the room your presence caught me by surprise. I felt my heart in my throat and I could hear nothing but mumbles of conversation of my friends around me like buzzing bees flying around my ears.

My hesitation to talk to you was strong. As seats were arranged by luck you ended near me over time and ended up just right in front of me. Now I had a reason to smile. I did everything to get your attention.

Dropping my pencil like a clumsy 3-year-old baby learning just how to walk right without falling, I’d intentionally do the math to make sure it would end up right under your seat so you could reach it tapping on your shoulder with my palms sweating like a field worker during crop season.

I would whisper just at the right tone so no one else would hear to interfere. I’d hope to just touch your hand for a second, as you hand me back my pencil your hand slightly touched mine and I cracked a smile and said thank you, but you would just turn around.

You were the wall and I was the person talking to it. I felt a fool. I began to push myself out of way to get your attention needy like hell. I’d find reasons to get up hoping you would stare at me as I walk back to my seat but I couldn’t seem to get your train of thought on me.

I’d would look in the mirror and ask myself what could I change to get your eyes on me. I began to wear clothes that gave me more skin to be shown. I changed myself for you and it didn’t work. I began to give up and I did. Out of thin air you began to realise my existent on this earth and began to talk to me I don’t know what I did or what I didn’t do to get you to realise me but I wish for nothing to change.

We talked outside of class and see each other around saying hi. Things got closer to more conversation and I felt less itchy to get your attention but that doesn’t mean I stopped craving it. Your friend had a grinder that was old and I had weed and offered to test it for him.

We sat in the bathroom as your grinded the weed and I watched you. I didn’t hear a word you said or were saying, I watched your lips and mouth move as you were talking. I thought of how bad I wanted them to be on mine. You told me to walk with you to the tennis courts after class and I did just as he said. The wind moved the little bit of hair that was on the top of your head. The sun heated beamed on your eyes making them squint. I remember the songs that played as we filled our lungs with smoke that tarnished all the bad things I was going through. No words, just looks and smiles exchanged between us. I can still feel the cold bleachers on my skin and my hair getting knotted in the wind.

We repeated the same cycle for a few days in a row I felt myself becoming addicted to your company. You made me feel less lonely in a way I couldn’t replace. A day changed the cycle when you asked to do nothing but just be with me and relax. I felt stupid thinking you actually had sense of feelings for me and wanted me and I painted this fucking picture of you in my life that I had to burn because simply I am not enough for you to change that image of you never having a girlfriend.

We sat at the tennis court that afternoon. You would place your hands on my leg and would put your arm on my back. Your hand would grasp my knee clutching it for just a moment and it would make my heart stop every time. Your smile made me weak, the way your eyes would crease when you would smile. The way the sun showed the bright blue that felt so deep when I stared into. You asked me not to leave when I was supposed to. I’d tell you I should go and I began to get up hoping you would grab my hand and tell me sit down. You said I should stay because you enjoyed the conversations that were pointless and stupid but meant so much to me little did you know because I had those pointless shitty conversations with you.

I knew it was too good to be true that you would want my companionship, so I waited I waited for the words that would spit out like disgusting food that didn’t please your taste buds. They were spat out. I agreed and let you in. We jumped a fence and got into the room that was so closed in I thought he would be able to feel how fast my heart was racing. You played your music and began to take away the one thing I thought I would be worried about giving up but I wasn’t.

You touched my body and I touched yours. You placed your hand so lovingly on me that it made me feel a sense of emotion. I didn’t want to feel what I thought would be just something I did became something I wanted more serious.

After that day, you stopped wanting to feel my company the tennis courts vanished into the past like what we happened between us. You stopped putting the effort into begin around me. I felt like a phase that you grew out of. I felt useless and worthless but you didn’t know because how could you.

I felt special but I wasn’t. I stare at the way you touch other females and it makes me angry inside I swallow the lump in my throat and pick up the heart that drops on the floor. You discontinued me like a product that wasn’t bringing enough money. I changed my thought of feelings because how bad it meant to me to have just a little of you for me. I let myself fall into telling you that I could do everything with no feelings at all knowing I felt every way with you.

I didn’t care having that moment with you made me feel like I was worth your time. But so was she. So were they. I was just another one of them. Another one of the girls you point out in a crowed as your friends would clap and tell you that there proud. You fucked me up. I fucked up myself letting myself think that I couldn’t make you want me I changed everything about me and only I am to blame for the shitty disgusting person I became trying to be good enough for you, but I am supposed to act like I don’t feel this fucking way but I do I feel this gaping hole in my chest as if someone just cut my heart out.

I lose my breath like I lost myself trying to be right for you. I feel my lungs crushing my legs shaking and my eyes watering every time I think of you. It’s my fault thought, right? Because I knew what I was getting into and I didn’t even try to get out. I dug a hole that fit my body and buried myself only because I had the best of the worst time with you.

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