I’m crying for an hour now after reading a random article about a teenager who killed her father because he was abusing her mother and them (she is having a sister) for years.

I’m crying because going through the article so many memories came back. Memories I thought I lost along the way, but no, there were all these years there, somewhere in the back of my head, well-hidden but still present.

I’m crying because I realized that article could have been as well about me years ago. I remembered so clear one particular moment when I decided to kill my father for the same reason. Then everything is blurred so I don’t manage to remember why I didn’t do it or what happened next. I have many holes in my memory from my first 18 years. I think this is one of my brain’s self defence strategy to keep me (relatively) sane. At least to look sane on the outside. Inside I’m still damaged. I just realized that so many years spent trying to heal myself, all the books, research, articles, studies, all these just kind of covered the past, but everything is still there.
I think the main reason is because I tried to heal and fix everything by myself. I never talk about my past. Ever. With anyone. Not even with my mom, which is the only person who knows everything. I suppose none of us wants to feel that pain again so we avoid the subject.

The point is I realized I need therapy. Definitely. Because this isn’t something I can handle by myself apparently and I deserve better than this. I hope this time it will work. The first time it was right after me and mom cut any contact with him. But I wasn’t able to talk about it so I quit. Maybe it wasn’t the right therapist, maybe it was too soon, but I was just inventing stories. Part because I was ashamed of telling the truth like it was my fault, part because I didn’t trust people at all. Now I still have huge trust issues but I am in a such better place. The only thing I am not ashamed anymore. I know it wasn’t my fault. I know it wasn’t my choice. It is simply a part of me so it will stay for the rest of my life, my duty is to learn and take the best from the experience, make it work to my advantage. I hope I will be able to do it.

I really hope no one will get to read this but if it does I am sorry guys, I just had this breakdown and realized I’ve never talked about this with anyone and I still don’t feel ready to do it, excepting a therapist as soon as I find the right one. I just felt this immense weight that I’m now sure it’s been here the whole time, and just wanted to try to get rid of at least a tiny part of it. The first thought that came into my mind was an anonymous website where I could write a few lines and have found it. I really hope it will help me, I apologize again for whoever will go through the text, especially because of the potential terrible grammar and spelling but it is so late and I am so tired and rushing I just cannot stop to check these details.

I am a domestic violence survivor and I am not ashamed of it. I am not proud either, just wanted to say it.