Hello everybody. My name is Alexander and I just wanted to share a story of my life.
The reason I’m telling you this story is because I never want anyone to go through what I’m doing right now.

So, it all started in September 2015 but first you need to know about 2 girls that are in my class. I’ll call them S. and E.. They were best friends at the time and they liked me as I liked them (on a friend like level). We used to skype a lot and as things go if you talk with girls as a boy, eventually the topic of love interests appears. So, there’s also my best Friend N., who I’ve known for more than 9 years by now. So, when they asked me about that stuff I asked them to tell me first. They actually did. They told me they’d fallen for the same guy and would write it in the chat. Curious as I simply am I thought about who it could be. So, I’ve gone over all the guys I know. At that time, my best friend and a few people from my class (which included them) regularly went to play basketball together. I never was a fan of that so I usually stayed home. So, when they told me they’d be ready suddenly it struck me like a lighting. Just the possibility that they could write his name made me angry. You know it’s very difficult for me because we always were rivals in everything. and he always won. He always had everything he wanted which admittedly makes me jealous till this day. In reality though it’s a little more complicated than that. So, the thing is, that he used to pretend to be the nice guy. I wouldn’t have had a problem if he actually tried to BE that kind of person but no. He stuck to pretending he is nice. Well I know that people reading this would probably not believe me and that’s totally fine but he even admitted pretending things instead of actually trying to change himself. So always hiding his arrogance behind jokes and fake charm he got several people to fall for him. Before you get the wrong idea of what kind of person I am, I actually would’ve been sincerely happy for him if it wasn’t just a big act.

However the name they eventually wrote was his. My heart skipped a few beats that moment. I was quiet as if I’d died again right there (I did actually die when I was younger but medics brought me back [doesn’t matter right now]). I left the Skype conversation immediately because I didn’t want them to know what’s going to happen next. I wrecked my entire room. Smashed a few bookshelves ripped drawings of mine apart. It just made me lose control when I knew, that he convinced the 2 nicest people I’ve known of his bullshit. When I re-joined the Skype conversation, I found them crying because they thought I’d told him. After that I swore to them, that I wouldn’t tell anyone.

The next day I broke that promise when I went to drink something with a friend of mine. I told him and made him swear that he wouldn’t tell N. about it. Foolish to think a promise I’d already broken would not be broken by someone who betrayed me already several times before. It turned out that he told him the same day.
In October of that year, a Halloween party took place at our school and they’d be present as well. No big deal the party actually was quite fun but when I walked home with N. (He was also my neighbour) he asked me if it was possible that they both fell in love with him. Shocked I asked him how he knew and he responded with: “you’d probably kill him if I told you”. I asked him how he would handle the situation. And here is when it gets a little complicated.

So he told me that he is in love with E., so I told him I was too. I said that because he doesn’t give a fuck about how I feel and desired girls are more attractive, that’s just how it is but in reality, I was in love with S.. He actually changed his decision, but not for my sake but because it turned out he liked S. more after all. That’s what broke my heart. I was in love with that girl for about 3 years by that time and I knew that he could take her if he wanted and he did just a few weeks later at a Christmas bazaar held at our school. When the bazaar was over he told me that he’d go and play basketball with S.. So, the thing is, this was obviously absolute bullshit because 1 they had no ball and 2 it was fucking 7 pm in November meaning it was dark as fuck. I asked him the same evening whether he had a girlfriend or not. He knew what I was alluding to but as the master he is at avoiding yes or no questions he replied with: “If I had one I’d first have to ask her if I’m allowed to tell you”. The response honestly pissed me of because it was an obvious “Yes” but I didn’t push it further. I asked the next day again though on whether he had a girlfriend or not but face to face this time. He couldn’t avoid the question there so he finally replied with yes. I didn’t even have to ask who it would be. Still in that moment I felt a physically excruciating pain in my chest which hurt so bad I had to go to the toilets and throw up.

They’re a couple since then and I have to watch them every day in school. Silently. So, nobody would suspect that I was in love with her as well I spread the lie that I was in love with E. and it actually worked. The only reason it worked though was due to my ability to fake emotions really good. , I have to fake being happy every single fucking cursed day of my worthless pitiful life. But enough of that. My heart is so scratched by now that I just hate my life and everything else. It’s really painful to watch the person you love and your best friend being a couple. Especially if your best friend is the type of guy who tells you everything about their “relationship” if you know what I mean.

So I am not Christian and I don’t have strong believes in a church either but I actually visited the Church to answer for my sins. I’ve committed many by now. F.E. Lying every day to everyone. One’s bothering me the most though. That being that I sometimes wish for them to break up.