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I am Sad

So here it goes.

My life is sad. Has been since forever. I don’t qualify as having depression. I am just sad. There are so many reasons why I am sad. But I’ll start with the one that affects me the most. My parents or my family.
I am a middle child and I have two brothers. One is a year older than me and one is three and half year’s younger than me. Now everyone knows that middle children have it the worst. I have been through so much I couldn’t keep it to myself. Nor could I talk to anyone cause it’s just so personal.

I remember being barely 4 I guess, and I hid behind furniture and prayed to God to take my life. I didn’t want to live! I was only 4. What 4-year-old thinks that? That’s how bad I have been. These thoughts have been with me since then, occurring every now and then. And I still have flashes of when I used to think this as a child.

I used to love to play with Barbie’s and dolls. My parents used to buy my brothers toys so often but I was never bought anything. In fact, the dolls that I had were thrown away because my brother was “afraid” of them. Hence, I was forced to play with toy cars and whatever. This doesn’t seem like much but ask this from a toddler who loved to play with her dolls and you’ll know how they feel.

Next came support. Whatever I did or wanted to do was always criticised. I was either too dumb to do something for myself or my parents could just never care enough to help me with anything. The place where I most craved my parents support was education. I still remember my mom teaching us when we were young, but as soon as my brother wanted help with his homework, all the attention went to him. Even if I asked for help I was ignored and put down. Guess my doubts and queries weren’t important enough. Father never really cared. Still doesn’t. All he thinks is that talent matters. Cause that’s what got a person a job in his times. Little does he know how important education is nowadays.

Hence, I became a bad student and instead a class clown, who never really cared for studies and instead made jokes to make people like and love her in her class since that’s something she didn’t get at home. This went on till my O Levels. And when my O Levels results came in is when it all really hit me. I was ruining my future because someone didn’t care for my studies. I didn’t get a bad result. But it also wasn’t the best. Where people were getting A*’s and A’s and B’s, all I got were C’s, an A and two D’s. It’s not because I was dumb, it was because no one cared enough for my education. I blamed my parents but I also blamed my institution and my teachers who made fun of me and made me give answers in class when they knew I didn’t know the answers just to make me look bad.

Then came A Levels. I improved a lot and I studied for myself. To get a good result for myself. I did well and in the end, I got the grades I desired. A’s and B’s. It was a healthy improvement on my part and I was very proud of myself. I still had a glimmer of hope that maybe my parents would appreciate me for my efforts and my achievements. But all they could focus on was my brother. How he can do better and what they can do for him the best. (Just to give your insight, he sucked. He failed in all the subjects and my father had to beg schools to take him in.) Still he was better than me.

I always had dreams of getting into a good university since forever, have a good college life as they showed in movies and shows. But I couldn’t leave for college because my parents were very narrow minded and old fashioned. Sending a girl alone to another place was a nightmare for them. Also, they couldn’t afford the education. So, I stayed back and I enrolled into a university here.

My luck, my brother enrolled in the same university as well. He made my life hell and didn’t let me talk to boys. He was old fashioned and narrow minded as well. I spent all three years of my uni in fear that my brother would catch me talking to a boy. It didn’t matter if we were talking about class stuff or whatever, if I were talking to a boy meant that maybe he and I had other intentions. Do you know how frustrating it is when no one believes in you?

Then came the time when I was getting my license. I was so excited to get it so I can go out whenever and not be stuck at home with people who don’t even like me. But just my luck, after I got my license my father never really trusted me with a car and claimed that I was a bad driver and I would be the cause of accident. I could only drive when my mom or my dad were with me so they could “guide” me. I was constantly called an amateur and as always was never really given the encouragement or the faith to drive. Their criticism was so bad, that I used to think at a point that I would actually get into an accident. Friends and cousins would make fun of me because I couldn’t drive myself anywhere and called my license useless and a waste of time. Here I am after almost one year of getting my license and I still can’t drive of my own free will. Will I ever? These are the little things that hurt me the most. It’s not even about the driving, it’s about the trust and the support.

Anyways, I somehow spent my three years of university. I made amazing friends, I had people who believed in me and I was always happy. Now I am sitting here just a day after finishing my finals and contemplating my life. What can I achieve in the future? Can I actually make anything of myself? Everything has gotten to me so much that I feel nothing. I have no emotions. I am not suicidal nor am I depressed, I just can’t feel anything. Is there a possibility that I might succeed in the future? Can someone give me the assurance that I won’t be as unworthy and useless as how my parents thought of me? All my experiences mentioned here are nothing compared to what actually happens with me. These were just some moments that came to my mind when I sat to write this down.

Is feeling nothing a good thing? Is my loss of appetite anything I should be worried about? Should I still pray to God to take me away? I need sincere advice and support and help. I am not suicidal but I feel very down, and I feel maybe one day I will not feel anything. I don’t want that feeling, I care and love everyone, why can’t I get the same treatment? Family is something that you should be blindly dependent on. But why do I feel like a burden to them?

One Comment


  1. Hi!
    I don’t know who you are, and maybe I can’t even imagine your pain and suffering. However, I just want to say that while I was reading your story, I felt like somehow it’s my life story. I am also a middle child with two brothers. My brothers always dis-encourage me, and I don’t have any friend. There’s no one who I can share something with. Nevertheless, you shouldn’t depend on them for YOUR happiness. It’s your life. Live it as you want to. Life is too short to be sad. I know that every person says these lines, but you will be fine. You must be wondering how I know that you’ll be fine. That’s because my instinct is saying this. It’s my faith that your life will be good since you don’t deserve pain. I will pray for you for sure. You just do one thing: HAVE FAITH. If these are bad days, there will be good days. 🙂

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