Don’t I deserve better? I do, don’t I? I deserve better than a guy who wants to marry me for a visa. Better than a guy who makes me angry every time he opens his mouth.Who makes assumptions and claims he knows everything? I now I deserve better.

So why then, am I subjecting myself to him? Why can’t I free myself from his grip? I know why. And I hate myself for it. I’m scared that saying goodbye to him would leave me completely alone. I feel alone when I talk to him anyway so why should it be any different if I left. If I stopped replying to him, if I pretended he no longer existed. Could I do that to myself? I should. I would be happier in the long run. Happier knowing that I could find someone else to tell things to and not be made to fell 2 inches tall. What gives him the right to play with my self-esteem, to make me feel so small. Judging me for every move I make.

So why then do I still crave his approval. Especially when no matter what I tell him he can make feel like I’m doing or did the wrong thing. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

So why do I still talk to him? Why can’t I cut myself free? I want to break free. I need to break free. We are in a one-sided relationship. I am too weak to cut him out completely. I have tried and tried and tried but every time I cave I and speak to him again and pretend that it didn’t happen. I push my anger under the rug and pretend I have forgotten. I haven’t though.

I remember every single time he has insulted me or my family or friends (the few that I have). I remember every snide comment, every judgement. I remember the tears and the pain as my feelings were pushed aside. I remember every time he made me feel selfish. I remember sacrificing things for him.

I remember it all…and still I keep him in my life I am terrified that if I let him go, I will end up alone, that I’ll never get married and have kids… oh wait, if I marry him I’ll still be alone and childless. Last time we discussed getting married he made it clear it would be in name only, that he would be out having sex with other women, then laughed at the idea that I would be able to get another man. I know I deserve better. But I am terrified of saying that I have no one.

Although no one would be better than him. I want love. I want to marry someone who actually sees a future with me. I want to marry someone who would be faithful. Mostly though, I would like to marry someone who doesn’t make me feel like a child who doesn’t know the ways of the world, just because I’m a virgin. I just want to be free from these feelings of inadequacy. I wish he could be more understanding of how I feel when I helped him through his depression, his suicide attempts and his alcoholism. And then he repaid me by dating some other girl and rubbing it in my face, mocking me. I hate him. And yet I can’t let him go. I hate myself.