I feel so alone all the time I have zero friends and I never have anything to say or an opinion and even if I did no one is there to listen to me.
I never talk to anyone or socialize (I am VERY shy) and I feel like part of it is because I’m very overweight. Like a lot. And I’m not kidding I was that one two hundred and twenty-two pounds seventh grader. And it’s not like I don’t try because I do it’s just that my biological father and my mom were both very fat people and so I inherited the fat gene.
My mom says it will be harder to lose weight. Also, I love to read so I would always read during recess and no one wants to be friends with the fat girl who sits at lunch reading. So now here I am with no one to talk to all alone.
I feel like no one would care if I just left one day and never came back. I mostly just lay in bed listening to music for hours. I listen to it so that it blocks out the sound of my sister and mom arguing and it just makes me feel better. I can explain it. It’s like I don’t listen to the music, I feel it. I also according to the doctors suffer from depression and anxiety and I have since I was twelve which is when I realized how alone I was in the world.
I don’t know why but I never really feel sad or happy just mad. I never cry (unless I’m in serious physical pain) I never smile (only fake smiles to avoid questioning). I never really feel excited for anything unless it is happening even then I’m not very emotional at all. I am the youngest in my family so I have kind of gotten used to just getting whatever was left over. And my mom is obsessed with being in charge so I have kind of naturally gotten to the point where I don’t have an opinion. I come from a poor family so I have learned that we only get what we need and even then, we might have to wait for a few weeks.
Now my birthday is in a month and my mom and sister keep asking me what I want and I can’t think of anything and it’s not because I have everything I could want. And whenever we are in the car driving to go to get food and someone looks in the back and asks what I want I can never think of anything because I would really eat anything they decided on even if I didn’t think it tasted good. I think this way because my brain just naturally thinks that my opinion does not matter and I should not get any because if I do then it would mean less for everyone else which means it is not fair and my sister is all about fair and it would start a fight and although I am a real weirdo and I enjoy arguing not with my sister we are very close and act like twins and people even mistake us for twins even though we are three years apart and I still feel like I can’t open up to her about everything.
So, I’ll stop blabbering now. But to anyone who read my super long snip it of my life thank you for being someone who will listen to me. I hope I stop feeling so alone soon. And that I will think of something I want for my birthday.