As a girl, I loved life. The air was crisp, the water clear and the world as pure as white. I admired the shape of the leaves, took wonder in the blades of grass, and laughed at the fireflies dancing in the night sky.
As I grew, the world did as well. Days came and went, middle school flew by, friends changed, the Earth turned. Life was how life was supposed to be.
Sophomore year in High School, September 18th, I began dating John June*. January 19th, John June and I broke up. On January 28th, my world stopped. On January 28th, the innocent girl Faith turned into a girl full of despair and hate.
On January 28th, John June raped me. He got me high, off on weed laced with god knows what, he pushed me to the ground, he pulled my hair, he squeezed my arms, he raped me. He came in me, he finished, he told me to walk home.
I loved him, or so I thought.
It was my fault, I made it up, I deserved it, or so I thought.
The only thing worse than that night was the crippling anxiety that ate me up daily. I thought I was pregnant. In all honesty, it wasn’t the thought of being pregnant that made my heart die bit by bit. It was the thought of bringing another him into the world. The thought of me living with a John June growing in my stomach made me want to drink bleach. The biggest blessing God has gifted me is not cursing me with the child of John June. I count that as a blessing every night.
I lied, that was not the hardest part, the hardest part is when the truth came out.
I hid the rape from my parents for a month. The day they found out was a hurricane. The walls caved in, the books fell down, I was stuck in the eye. But then it stopped. My parents saved me, and I saved them. We carried each other, and we do to this day.
I have been through every emotion since that night. Shame, anger, sadness, denial, you name it. Now I realize he’s not worth my anger. Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” I took this quote to heart the first time I read it, and day by day, breath by breath, I am letting go. And I will continue to let go.
I posted my story not for attention, not for pity, but as a warning, to warn you that the people you love the most can hurt you the worst. Be careful always, but more importantly cherish every happy moment, every free moment, for those might soon end, and in your darkest hours those are the moments meant to hold on to.