I wish I knew what to do. All I have are questions. Questions that may or may never be answered. Questions for the one I love. Questions that I want to ask God. They say He loves everyone. The why did He write pain I my story. What didn’t He give me the one I loved the most? Why didn’t He give strength to my beloved to understand what he wanted from life?
I feel like a broken leaf. Swaying in the air, not knowing where to go. Just flying away with the wind. All I know is that I will be dead soon. But I don’t want to die anywhere else but in your arms.
In my heart, I feel so much pain and so much emptiness. I have everything from other people’s eye. I have a lovely family, a caring husband, a good education. Then what is that thing that is missing? Is it you? Is it you who is giving me so much pain? Why are you doing this to me. I had only loved you, loved you more than anything else. Wanted you more than anyone else. And now, you are gone and you will never return. But what hurts me the most is that you are ok with me being hurt, you are ok seeing me cry. What happened to all those promises you made? Those things you said? You never meant them, did you? I still remember those words, I still feel those feelings. Maybe for you, those words didn’t mean anything. But those words changed my life. You became my first thoughts of a day and also the last when I went to sleep. I cry myself every single day. I ask myself were you worth my love? Were you worth my care?
I love my husband, but if you ask me if I love him as much as I loved you. I would say I don’t know. I really don’t know. If I love my husband so much, then why do you still affect me? Why do I still wait for you? Why don’t I free myself from your thoughts? I know there is an empty space in my heart that no one can fill. The whole love of this world also will not be able to fill that space. Coz that place needs you. It’s you that can bring light and love in that space.
I wish in some world, far from here, I can love you. Tell you what you mean to me. Express those unsaid unheard feelings. There isn’t much left now to say, but just I wish you and I were meant to be.