I grew up understanding life happens to everyone, life is not fair and c’est la vie; so, when “Life” happened to me, I never made it my business to tell my story; to seek help, attention, or love because of my circumstances. I simply rolled with the punches and never let the outside world see me sweat. Instead, I would come home and write; write my thoughts, fears, desires, goals, and regrets.

I will admit when I saw the option to tell MY STORY, I could only think of the one I never told before. You see; I have always been the type to speak nothing but good things. It’s only when I am alone allowed to put my thoughts into words on paper or a screen that I realized that’s when I’m a hundred percent bluntly honest. One thing my grandmother always told me was treat people how you would like to be treated and if you did not have anything nice to say keep it shut. To this day, those little sayings have helped mould me into the young woman I have become today. However, a person tested my grandmother’s theory I never thought would give me conflict and would forever change my life.

Born and raised on Staten Island there was plenty of New York I have yet to experience. Spending most of my school years in private school has even narrowed my social skills with certain people. I did not know the world could use, manipulate, and lie to you. I was never warned because I was surrounded by the good.

At the rebellious age of 16 I met online and fell in love with a then 19-year-old from the Bronx. In 2007, I decided to meet him and took my first trip from Staten Island to do so. Of course, I told no one but years later this person and I stayed a couple. Our families tried to keep us apart and the more they tried the more we stayed together and lied. I never had a bad relationship with my grandmother but when I chose him

Over them it cut so many ties and it took me years to realize it. Sooner or later our families just gave up and let us be. My family, friends and I became more distant while my boyfriend and I grew more dependent on solely each other. I was in love; and no one could tell me this person did not love me back. He cared for me, fed me and was always there for me. There was no doubt in my mind I needed to do the same. It’s five years later and I am still convinced I made a great decision because I found someone who loves me. It was not until my brother was killed that I realized something was wrong.

My brother was also adopted by grandmother and though he’s technically my blood cousin; growing up I did not know the details so he was my brother and I was his sister. The day he died I crumbled into pieces. As any girlfriend may do I tried to confide in my boyfriend. To my surprise my heartbreak over my brother’s death made him completely jealous. He would say things like ” he’s just your cousin ” you do not even have a brother” u have not seen him in years ” your faking ” get over it. I can go on and on with surprising remarks he said but there’s more.

Me being the complete wreck I was ignored all his negativity and just wanted my family. However; when I made plans to stay a few days with them my relationship with him began to seem questionable. I received non-stop text messages and voice mails about how I selfishly left him and “our life.” I should have realized that was a red flag all those years ago. But I did not; my immature mind saw that as a boyfriend missing his girlfriend more than he wanted to handle. The older I got the more I missed my old friends and family and sought friendly reunions. But if I packed a bag the contents were ripped up and destroyed. If I wore something to showcase how I have grown maybe something brand new; he would rip it right off my back. The worst part of it all, is if I had something to say about his behaviour I was greeted with a punch, a slap, or sometimes just a full out brawl. You see, my boyfriend had to deal with his mother’s death and I allowed that to be a reason to treat me however he felt… I excused it with comments like ” it will pass, he’s just dealing with a lot.” Sadly, it did not pass; it grew. Recollecting on everything I realized it was our love our basketball that kept us on great terms. We’d watch every game and he would be the over aggressive fan while I was the commentator and stats keeper. Win or lose you had the half time scores ready and he had his half time opinion ready. During basketball season, we looked forward to spending time together at home focused on only the basketball game and each other; but when our love for the game wasn’t right in our face. We had very little. It’s amazing to see how well we clicked when basketball was involved and how little we did when it wasn’t. I noticed when basketball season ended a lot of our communications did too My boyfriend began to change for the worst but I was never about abandonment. I figured If I loved someone at their best I needed to be ready to accept them at their worst. Little did I know; their worst was life damaging to me. Being that I no longer had to fight for my relationship with him I was happy and content with making friends, applying for new jobs trying new things and living life. But the more I wanted to do things the more I was put down and even slapped for standing up for myself. Since I played ball most of my life and everyone knew that I would reach out and ask how to quickly heal what I would call a basketball injury. These “basketball injuries” included busted lips, swollen jaw, busted nose, busted forehead, several black eyes, several concussions, and a hairline eye socket fracture. It was not until I had a black eye and went to work trying to read the computer screen and type with sun glasses on did I realize I was not in a healthy situation. Exactly what was I to do? I had chosen him over everything my family. There was no way my pride would allow me to admit the person I fought so hard far is someone I am dying to get away from. I dealt.; the countless sleepless nights the nights I cried myself to sleep the nights I did not want to go home after work the nights I even wanted to kill myself before he had another chance at hurting me. these thoughts all crossed my mind as I ” dealt”

Let us fast forward to how I survived and become the victor in this situation.

To be completely honest it’s far from over. But the first part into fixing something is admitting and after 10 years I am finally able to admit I cannot grow into the woman I wish with such a person having such influences on my life. I began working as much as I could and reading more. Because of my talkative nature I was always able to start a conversation of debate based on current events. But with someone who uses slander and opinion than facts you tend to learn to keep quiet. And so, I did. Until I snapped and had enough. I told him I wanted to leave him and I was not happy he needs help. crazy enough; he agreed and we sought help. That is, when we discovered my boyfriend has behavioural personality disorder and it’s only getting worst being untreated. I without a doubt was there for him as you had to deal with this but the good days never outweighed the bad. The memories never outweighed the nightmares. I was sorry but the love never outweighed the pain. I knew I loved this person. I also knew I would never be in love with this man again. as I write this story; please understand there is no happy ending of triumph. As I look over my shoulder to the man I described right next to know just know this secret is between us. My next step in life is between us. Who I want to be when I am 36 years old is between only us. You see I write this to explain that I tried to share my path with the man I loved. But my path did not have room for negativity, hate, immaturity or blame. I write this story explaining I knew my worth and lost complete track of it because someone else did not know theirs. I write this because I allowed someone else’s life dictate how mine was going to go. I write this because I am no longer blind. I am not ashamed to focus on myself in silence. I know this man is negative yet for years I would still go to him for advice on my ideas. I no longer allow it. For me this is one of the biggest battles I had and have to face in my life. This story saddens me; but the silver lining is I now remember we are I belong. My love for writing has been my personal saviour through this abusive relationship. To be asked to write a personal story and not write this one would be lying to myself. I have lied to the world about this relationship; I will not lie to myself. The more I admitted there was a problem the more signs I began to realize. Some of these signs were the same other man had before they murdered their so-called love one. Could you imagine how scared I was. There’s days where he could be the perfect gentleman and then there are days where he is the devil’s advocate. You truly never knew what you would get. But I loved him too much to seek disciplinary actions. New York State labelled him mentally disabled and sent him on his way so now what? My biggest change was realizing his life was not my responsibility. It was not my responsibility to put goals and future thoughts in his head. I tried for 10 years and all I did was submerge my own. For a long time, I felt guilty, I felt like a bad person for giving up on someone. But it was not until last month that I realized I gave up on my myself first. For the first time in my life I realized trying to breathe life love and a dream into a young man I became to love was a mission I had to abort asap. Physically I am still in the same place I was before. But mentally I feel so free. I know my next step into moving on physically starts with my education. I learned pretty early the results of putting all your eggs in 1 basket and betting on it all working for the rest of your life. It’s never a smart idea; and though life happens to everyone; I now understand that I do not have to go through it alone. This is a story of a mental cage breaking after 10 years of being shackled in by anger, regret, fear, and pain. Anytime me and my partner argued or it got physical I would always write my thoughts. The only difference is I never shared them. I only released them. for the first time in my life I am sharing these thoughts… I warn you before to not look for the happy ending, as it does not exist. The only thing that is real at the end of my story is that I am no longer accepting anything because I do not know my worth. I am no longer willing to have my heart broken down. I am no longer willing to sit by while someone refuses to help themselves just to be the target later on. More than half of my bags are packed and I am just waiting for an acceptance email for a school. I am proud that I am doing something I put on hold for absolutely no reason besides because a man. As a female, we speak on so much that we may go through. I hope my story can help young woman find their voice on speaking on their domestic relationships. From controlling and putting you down to beating you up; it’s all very real and very scary.

When I understood my real life and dreams were more important than my emotional connection to a very troubled young man; I felt empowered, excited, and more than anything ready. Anything I ever faced in my life I was either all in or I never attempted. There is no lazy push in me. There is no warm or lukewarm. I’m either hot and ready to go or cold and completely froze. I’m proud to say I’m no long at froze and now that I see the drastic effects it can have on my heart mind-body and soul; I promise to never become frozen in life again. That’s what death is for