It’s 4:58pm on Friday, July 14, 2017, and I am sitting in my emotions. Someone told me that I should began to write and that it will help me in coping. The thing is I don’t know where to begin really. Should I start with my childhood, or should I begin at why I am sad and depressed all the time? Although I would like to blame my childhood, I cannot. It was me who messed things up.
You see, I was dating what I believe is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. I screwed it up by being the worse version of myself I could ever be. I miss this girl like no other. I miss her gorgeous smile, the way her lips felt pressed against mine. I miss those beautiful big eyes she has, in which I teased her for. I miss her black curly hair that would look tangled in the morning when she woke up. I miss her touch, her stare, and her laugh, but I screwed that up. The fact that she walked out on me destroyed the very depths of my soul. It was my fault, and as I look back at things I could not believe that she didn’t leave sooner. I was a complete asshole to the only girl I have ever loved. I said mean and degrading things. I have even cheated on this girl I say that I love. What kind of person does this to someone they love?
In all honesty, I didn’t even think that I cheated on this girl. Crazy, right! Months after she left, I was talking to a friend and when I told him what I did he immediately said “You did.” I couldn’t believe it. Then it begins to make sense. He said, “You cheated on her emotionally.” I was stunned, for that fact that he was right. Why could I not see this before. It was an emotional time as well because I did this cheating over the internet, Facebook to be exact. It was also a few days before Valentines’ day. She did not find out until months later of course when she got onto my Facebook page and began to read my messages. I keep telling myself that because I didn’t meet this “girl” I did not cheat. I was wrong. Although I feel this is one of the reasons she left me, I feel that being a complete asshole is the other.
This girl cannot even talk to me now or see me. I honestly wish that it wasn’t the case because to this day, she is the only one on my mind. Over the year, Yes, it’s been over a year now. I’m Pathetic, I know. I have only heard from her when she is expecting important mail. I think I put an end to that unfortunately. The last time she messaged me about her mail, I took a chance in which another friend suggested I should do. I asked her to lunch. She replied “no” and that she felt worse now than before. I couldn’t understand that really, so I asked her to change her address so that her mail would no longer come here. I felt it was unfair to hear from her and I get emotional for nothing. She also asked, how could I want to be friends. I told her that being friends was not an option. I wanted my best friend back, I wanted to make things right, and that I miss her deeply. That was the last I heard from her and it’s been a couple of months now. I think that I have to move on but, it’s very difficult when I have no motivation to do so.
I left her name out because if she ever read this, she would know it was about her and there is no need to embarrass her. I had to leave all the names out really as you can see. I have learned much from this breakup within that past year. Me changing was definitely for the best. I am not angry at the world anymore yet, depressed. I’ve never known that I would be in love because I never seen it as a child. It was the best experience of my life for sure. I hope to find it again someday. I guess that I wanted to share little pieces of what happened to me and let people out there know that being heartbroken hurts, but we still have a purpose. I just hope it’s not to be alone.