I always wanted to believe in happy endings.
I grew up wearing princess dresses and believing that I would someday meet a perfect boy.
Monogamy was my only option. Yet I noticed from a young age that my heart wasn’t like others. I could never like only one boy at once.
I felt attracted to any guy who spoke to me. I picked out a quality to adore in each guy I met. I started “dating” quote young, meaning I had some actual relationships and had some weird hook-ups with pretty bad oral sex.
Then I thought I found the guy who would change me. I thought I would no longer be attracted to every boy I met because of how much I loved him.
He moved away for a year and I realized I was wrong. I’m unable to be hurt in relationships. I noticed him getting too close with a female “friend” and left. I was on a date smiling hours later. I always fancy so many men at once and I can never be fully happy being tied down. I’ve come to realize that I’m asexual, so I really don’t think I’m a slut despite what society may say.
Sometimes I wish I could understand true love and faithfulness. My body is faithful but my heart has never been. I live for the chase. The friendship phase and the first date make me feel alive. Then, I get bored. I leave people who have done nothing wrong. Sometimes I think it makes me feel powerful and in control because I can break someone’s heart and there’s nothing they can do to stop me.
I know that sounds quite cynical, but I’ve always felt powerless due to my intense anxiety disorder. Maybe I hurt others with bad intentions. Or maybe I’m just incapable of love. I spend months in relationships and almost every time they tell me how it’s the strongest they’ve felt about anyone and I play along. I don’t think I lie intentionally, but there’s a lot of pressure to say you love someone back. It brings me joy knowing that they can see a future with me even if I can’t. I hope someone out there understands that being unable to love another is actually just as bad as a heartbreak.