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My reaction to both my parents dying from cancer

Last time I shared a piece of my story I mentioned that my parents passed away when I was young. 10 when my father passer away, 19 when my mother passed away both had cancer. Both died within a year.

What I didn’t mention is that after each, my reaction was to feel like no one could like me. So, when I was 10, the impact was that I drew everybody away from me. I did it so well that at 13, I had no friends at school and not people were avoiding me but some of them were also laughing at me. As a result, me who had always like school, I didn’t like it so much anymore. And I was keeping everything to myself of course. I didn’t want to go to school. Relationships had already been hard enough because I was 2 years ahead. Bit being younger than the others was nothing compared to being laughed and disliked. This lasted 2-3 years, until I started recovering from my father’s death and started being a normal person again.

However, the fear of being rejected by others never quite left me. I’m 36 today and despite me telling repeatingly seeing that it is not the case anymore, I’m still scared that people will reject me or make fun of me.

As a result, I feel very happy and secure in my house, but whenever I need to go to an event, I feel so stressed. I don’t want to go, I just don’t, because it’s not safe. It means that I have to bring my protective shield again with me and that takes a lot of energy and I don’t want to use this energy. I don’t want to feel stressed. To give me courage, I eat … I eat so much that my only choice is to move and use the energy I have just eaten…

And obviously the more I eat, the less confident I feel.

I don’t know how to break this cycle! I think I don’t spot the reason for the binge eating when it happens, and this is why I continue doing it. I either eat to give me the energy to go or I cancel last minute because I cannot find the courage to go.

I hope I can find the solution.


One Comment

  1. I really hope that you can find the strength and courage to overcome these feelings.

    As cliched as it sounds, you need to know that everyone is beautiful in their own way – including you!

    The first step to feeling better about yourself is to start liking yourself. I know that it’s hard to take the first step and liking yourself is definitely easier said than done, but (again with the cliche) if you don’t like yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

    I have always been a self-conscious, quiet and somewhat awkward person, but for some reason I woke up one day and was like “You know what? I’m sick of being the quiet, shy girl. Screw what everyone else thinks, there’s nothing wrong with me and I’m just as good as anyone else.”

    You would be surprised how much happier I actually feel, just by changing the way that I think.

    Of course, you’re always going to have bad days – days where you don’t feel as fabulous or confident, but rest assured knowing that there is not a single person on this earth that hasn’t felt the same way at least once in their life.

    No matter what you do in life, you are never alone. You will always find at least one person that will be there for you (even if you have to find them online). Never give up hope.

    The best advice I can give you to start feeling better about yourself (and I’m no professional, nor am I pretending to be) would be:

    – Try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. As soon as you feel negative thoughts creeping in, push them out of your head straight away and replace them with something positive. One of my most-used replacement thoughts is “I can get through this. Everything is going to be fine. Things always work out one way or another.”

    – Write a list of things that you like about yourself and refer to it any time you’re feeling down. This list can be anything – If you like the colour of your eyes, put it on the list. If you’re a nice person and friendly to everyone you meet, put it on the list. If you have a great imagination, put it on the list. The more points you can think of, the better.

    – Try using positive affirmations. These are just little phrases that you keep repeating to yourself (in your head, or out loud). Try affirmations like “I am enough”, “I am just as good as everyone else” or even “I feel great today.” The great thing about affirmations is that even if you’re finding it hard to convince yourself at first, the more you tell yourself something, the more likely you are to believe it. Fake it ’til you make it baby! 🙂

    – Try to treat yourself well. Paint your nails, put a treatment in your hair, shave your legs, brush or colour your hair and practice your make-up (if you’re into that) or buy a new accessory or item of clothing. Anything to make yourself feel special. It’s amazing how much of a difference something so small can make to the way you feel about yourself.

    – Make sure your space (whether that be your home, your room, your work desk – whatever) is clean and tidy. It’s amazing how much of a difference a tidy, organised space can make you feel. If you’re surrounded by mess or clutter, chances are that your head will feel the same way. Once you clean up your surroundings, you’ll be amazed at how much more relaxed you’ll feel and the more relaxed you are, the better you’re likely to feel about yourself.

    – Whatever situation you find yourself in, always know that things will get better. Nothing (good or bad) ever stays the same.

    – Try to look after your health. You mentioned that you eat to feel calm – my best advice here would be to try your best to make healthy choices when it comes to what you’re eating, that way (if it’s something healthy such as fruit instead of lollies or nuts instead of chocolate) you won’t worry as much or feel as guilty and the nutrients (instead of empty calories) will help to improve your mood.

    – Try to be nice to everyone that you meet. I’m a firm believer that people should treat others the way that they would like to be treated. You never know how your actions can impact someone else’s day. Something as simple as a smile (it’s not hard and doesn’t cost you anything) could be just what someone else needs to brighten their day.

    – Helping other people is a great way to feel better about yourself – donate money to charity (even if it’s just your spare change), if you see someone drop all of their belongings all over the floor, help them pick them up, if someone can’t reach the item on the top shelf of the grocery store, offer to grab it for them. Helping others will also make them feel better about themselves too and could even start a chain reaction – that person will go on to help someone else.

    – Try to stop caring what other people think. No matter what you do in life, there are always going to be haters. Everyone has them. The things that people say about others are not true. I learned this when I would watch YouTube videos made by super-pretty girls with great personalities who had people telling them that they were ugly and boring?? I thought this was crazy, but it just proved to me the fact that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder and you’re not always going to be everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s OK because not everyone is going to be your cup of tea either.

    – Know that you are enough. You are good enough. You are you and that’s all you need to be. The only opinion that should matter to you is the opinion that you have of yourself.

    I’m sorry to bore you with such a long piece, even if just one of these points can help you, then this was all worth it.

    Be strong, be awesome, be the best that you can be. 🙂

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