Last time I shared a piece of my story I mentioned that my parents passed away when I was young. 10 when my father passer away, 19 when my mother passed away both had cancer. Both died within a year.
What I didn’t mention is that after each, my reaction was to feel like no one could like me. So, when I was 10, the impact was that I drew everybody away from me. I did it so well that at 13, I had no friends at school and not people were avoiding me but some of them were also laughing at me. As a result, me who had always like school, I didn’t like it so much anymore. And I was keeping everything to myself of course. I didn’t want to go to school. Relationships had already been hard enough because I was 2 years ahead. Bit being younger than the others was nothing compared to being laughed and disliked. This lasted 2-3 years, until I started recovering from my father’s death and started being a normal person again.
However, the fear of being rejected by others never quite left me. I’m 36 today and despite me telling repeatingly seeing that it is not the case anymore, I’m still scared that people will reject me or make fun of me.
As a result, I feel very happy and secure in my house, but whenever I need to go to an event, I feel so stressed. I don’t want to go, I just don’t, because it’s not safe. It means that I have to bring my protective shield again with me and that takes a lot of energy and I don’t want to use this energy. I don’t want to feel stressed. To give me courage, I eat … I eat so much that my only choice is to move and use the energy I have just eaten…
And obviously the more I eat, the less confident I feel.
I don’t know how to break this cycle! I think I don’t spot the reason for the binge eating when it happens, and this is why I continue doing it. I either eat to give me the energy to go or I cancel last minute because I cannot find the courage to go.
I hope I can find the solution.