Sex with my mom am I a normal human being?

I want to convince something and I think here is best place to stay unknown.

There is a strong bond between me and my mom. I am her only child and she has always told me how attracted she is to me as a mom and son to the point that getting married would make her mad because she thinks I am not for her anymore.

After I finished my studies abroad for 4 years without coming back home at all I went back and we both missed each other so much, so the first day home when I wanted to get to my room and rest for the night she got beside me on bed and asked me about some stories in the country of studies (it was Singapore) and I just can’t remember how we started kissing and I got really engaged. (My mom has been without any sexual activity for years since she got divorced and sweared that her life will only be to help me and will never marry or try to find another man so I think she was horny).

After some time of my stupidity I did a penetration yes a fkn retard guy did an intercourse with his mom (I think I deserve to be killed) and lasted sometime every time we finish just take a break and I get my mind back but I find myself going idiot again and go on with her.

The next day I woke up late so did not know what happened took a shower and I realised that I had multiple partners and my mind just got fkd thinking could I have possibly passed an std to the woman who once gave me birth and sacrificed a lot for me?

Did I just destroy both of our lives?

It has now been 3 days and I don’t know what to do I always try to stay away from her or outside the home with friends when she tells me that she misses me a lot and want to talk with me I feel so ashamed that I really consider committing suicide just to avoid telling her that I could have infected her with something I am the worst kind of child anyone could have.