I remember how it all started, I met this girl, name R at class (let assume we were all in some kind of school), she broke up with her life time boyfriend and she thought I could help. I went to her studio, well she did love her job! It was her birthday, I went hoping finding someone, no luck but I had fun! R found someone a model a handsome boy but very selfish and high-flying, R planned a surprise party for him, poor R she was just kicked out her home, little money, so much love.

I went again hoping to find someone! I met H she was so cute, so pure, so innocent, R was jealous, let me clear something we were all desperate young girls, silly!

R didn’t want me to be friend with H and I loved them both!

H & I grew closer more than I could imagine, we took some of road trips of school we had the most amazing time.

Then there was this wedding, we were invited to, we paid for our food but why did we all go?

Because we were young looking for dancing floor meeting new people.

My life started to change from that afternoon, I was at office, what a busy day, they didn’t let me leave early, I was angry upset and so nervous so I left at 5 (who wanted to attend would leave at 7.30) arrived at 6 called my other friend M who I fixed with her the time I told her I couldn’t make it on time “Leave without me, but please accompany H because she doesn’t know anybody there”.

I started to cry I cried and cried taking bath and cried, wearing makeup and still crying.

Got dress and looked at the mirror and said to myself “I won’t go” and cried harder.

Poor H, she was confused she was angry but never said a word to me.

My phone rang, unknown number, so I didn’t answer, rang again same number and third time was M. I picked and spoke with trembling voice,” yes,”
M: ” you should come”

Me: ” I can’t make it anyway, go without me”

He, him, that boy, the one I still don’t know why he did whatever he did, took the phone and said,” why don’t answer your phone?” I said, ” unknown number, I won’t take”

He said, ” you know me I am AA from previous road trip, now you know me, answer your phone”

He called and I was still crying for making so many people wait for me! I hated myself.

He said he would wait he said I could get ready again and make it there, and he finally said nobody would go without me coming.

I still felt that slop in my throat but I called a taxi and go.

He was waiting for me when I arrived.

He took my shaky hands and we went in what I got a load hooray for myself.

Feeling somebody at least a little cared about me.

Me & H entered this group of crazy happy and caring people that night.

About AA, he danced with me first spark of stupid love in me.

The day after, I was so tired so damaged I slept until 3 or 4 he called again.

My heart jumped he asked how I was doing and if I wanted to join them in amusement park I said yes and called H we went together, and I was falling somewhere very dark and deep.

I didn’t know he had a secret girlfriend soon to be his fiancé I was so naive so simple mined so wanted to be loved.

I fell in love with him, so did my sweet H. What a mess!

I was struggling to get him. He introduced one of his friend B to H.

B liked her and finally loved her.

Now it was me & AA, how could get him? Someone so hot and so wanting, he cared for me, now I hope he deeply and really cared and it wasn’t just because he wanted sex something I hated after my bitter abuse experience. Another going out with this group, staying in this beautiful garden, they danced, they played cards, it was summer so they also jumped in the pool at night!

I was happy and nervous, I wanted him to dance with me, yes he did, he asked me why I didn’t drink I said I didn’t want to! he laughed he said maybe you did and did something crazy!

I laughed too but deep inside I knew the only reason was fear, fear of what other(I still can’t define these others!) may think!

We were eight four girls four boys one after one went to sleep.

Me, H, B, AA stayed up talked about everything and nothing.

H got angry and went inside three of us left.

B went inside too.

AA this boy why me I used to asked myself why him why me?

He asked if I ever had relationship, I said I never wanted, what a lie, I never could.

I made mistake out of pure stupidity, then I hated myself and men and relationships and life and everything.

He asked if I wanted a hug I said I am not against it but I won’t ask.

Now when I look back I see a desperate hurt girl who just wanted to be loved.

I loved him so much.

My heart shattered when I found out about his secret girlfriend.

I was hurt the most when he acted like nothing important happened.

I have tried sometime to get him back.

it was too late, he was already gone.

But I have grown up.

I still miss him.

He is somewhere in my mind I can’t catch him to let him go