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I have never done good to my family

Hey. I’m a Muslim and I live in Pakistan with my grandmother and grandfather. My parents split up when I was 2 years old, they got divorced. So, my mother brought me up and now I am 17 years old. At the age of 16 my mother also got married and now has one child and lives in her husband house. My father also has his only family in America he also married 4 years ago.

I had never seen my father, nor has my mother shown me any pictures of him, neither was I interested in knowing about him, because I knew he has done a lot of bad things to my mother before I was born. But when I became 16 years old my mother sent me to America to live with my father and his wife, so that I could also get an American passport and hopefully I get it.

But my practical life and the real tragedy occurred when I lived in their house. From then my life got completely changed and to be honest my foster mother treated me well, but my own father acted like a complete stranger and sometimes his wife also acts bad to me like not giving me food or cooking anything at home. I got completely lost I suffered a lot there I used to cry a lot. Now I’ve lived for 8 months there and when I came back to Pakistan I was completely different person.

I have become a chronic worrier. I always complain to my god about my life and now I cry almost every day. I have trouble making friends I can hardly speak to people, I easily get tired of things and people, and it takes me seconds to get angry at small things. I can’t even concentrate on my studies or anything. I have never done good to my family. I feel so low I have become a suicidal person, I always think of dying or committing suicide.

I want to make my mother happy, but she has no hope or expectations from me, and hates me too because I am always bad to her, and I have no one to whom I can share my feelings, my mother does not live with me and if I did tell her my feelings she will not take it seriously. She herself is busy in her own marriage problems with her new husband, so I don’t feel like telling anything to her. I just want to die or disappear somewhere it’s like I am a burden to everyone. I went to USA and I was burden to my father and obviously my foster mother. Here I am a burden to my grandmother and grandfather. I am also a burden to my mother in many ways, I am also a burden to her husband who pay my admission fees etc. Which I find so sweet of him but still I feel so uncomfortable that some stranger is doing this for me.

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