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I can only pray to be worthy of that love.

Have you read The Bad Girl, by Mario Vargas Llosa?
I have just recently.

“Have you read this book?” He asked. It reminded me of us. Since it’s never happened before that something reminds Him of me, you can imagine it only took me a few minutes, max, to find and download the book.

I cried and laughed, I was excited-I could imagine Him and me all the way through the book. That is probably why my emotions while reading was so intensive. I could feel the touch, laugh and pain.

It does remind of us. With certain differences. I did leave, to escape how I felt about Him. Thought it would help.
We were both like Lily. I would come and go every now and then, looking for my place under the sun. And looking for him. He would be there, yet unreachable, cold, ruthless, insensitive to my love. He would ask, request and take but never give.

We were both Ricardo. He would always welcome me after a while, even though He promised not to. I would wait, come, offer and end up disappointed.

We both had other people in our live. Some less serious, some more. While trying to distance myself from Him, that could only get my heart broken, I’ve found Someone who was so eager to heal it. Someone, you know one of those perfect men who would bring you your favorite candy for no reason. Do small things that make you happy, wouldn’t leave home at any time without a kiss and “I love you”. And with eyes full of admiration while he repeats, for 1000th time: you are beautiful. In baggy trousers, dirty shirt and no makeup.
Someone who had suffered so much and can appreciate me listening, advising, holding hand and not shouting for every stupid little thing. Someone who is surprised and grateful when I back him up in front of everyone even when he is wrong. Someone who puts me first. Always.

I can only pray to be worthy of that love.
I don’t think I am right now.

Because, after 3 years of being away, discussing matters with myself, being absolutely sure I felt nothing anymore, I came for a hug, for a bit of love, just like Lily to Ricardo. And just like Ricardo, he took the hug. But, like Lily, He put no emotions into it. And just like Lily, I packed my bags and left for another 3 years.

Like Lily, I will never feel what is like to give myself completely. I don’t think she didn’t want it though. Like Ricardo, I’ll give my best to make Someone happy. Whatever it takes. But part of me will always be empty.

And He. Well, I can’t really tell. He is not “pathetic” (his words) like me and Ricardo. Escalation of his emotions was a sentence: “If you come, you might not go back.” I held onto it as if my life depended on it. I wished it was true. I imagined it was true.
But it wasn’t.
From Him, I’d never hear-you are beautiful. I love you skin. You are my everything. He would not wake up 5min earlier in the morning so He could hold me for 5min longer.

And I will always fight it, and try to keep Him away, learn not go back because: I will never be the first and the most important one. And I will never hear it. No matter how much I need it.

Like Lily, I will make someone happy for a bit. No, for a long time. Someone who deserves it. And, like Ricardo, pathetic Ricardo, will keep longing for someone who is not there. But always comes first.

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