I wanted to share a story not many people know. A story that has changed my life in less than a day. This is my story.

I began dating the love of my life a little before I started High school. He wasn’t a bad guy… he just liked to party. Our relationship was dysfunctional but we dated throughout High school.

My senior year things began to finally break apart. He broke up with me a little before I graduated. However, we kept fulling around. I loved him too much to let go.

Eventually I became pregnant… He didn’t want anything to do with her. He told me to kill her. That he wanted to kill himself. I didn’t want to kill her… but I continued to take my birth control because I was afraid he’d leave me for good and I loved him. I couldn’t bring myself to continue like I was.

I told my mom that I wanted to adopt her out. The thing is… I really wanted to keep her. My house was falling apart though and it wasn’t baby safe at all. It was the only option I had. At least so I had thought at the time.

My mom knew I wanted to keep her but she just said I was doing the right thing. It felt as if she was pushing it on me. My brother and his wife agreed to adopt her so that she would still be in the family.

You think that would be awesome and make things easier. It didn’t. I had feelings of hate and jealousy towards them. They already had one lovely daughter and another on the way. So bad did I want to tell them that I changed my mind. But I couldn’t. They were so happy. I didn’t want to take that away. So, I went through with it.

They made it seem like I was going to get to see her a lot so I thought it would be enough. She was born April 14th, 2015. She was so cute. I didn’t get to hold her. Now that she’s 2. I realize how badly I messed up.

How stupid I was to believe we’d see each other… its September and I haven’t seen her since last Christmas. I don’t get pictures very often since she’s busy with two other kids. It makes it so hard.

My ex-boyfriend now wants to get her back and start a family. It makes me feel so conflicted because even after everything he put me through I love him. I would love more than anything to have them both.

She has had time to bond though and I would hate to take her from her family. But every day gets harder and harder I love her to pieces and I want to be the one she looks to with such happy eyes. I want to learn all of her expressions. It’s not fair. I even learned that there were ways I could have kept her. It makes me harbour such ill feeling to my family.

I know they were just trying to help. I hate feeling the way I do. It’s a constant struggle…

Readers. Thank you for listening to my story. I hope if you got anything from this. It’s how serious adoption is. It changes you so much. Just make sure It’s really what you want to do.