So …I’ll start with my thoughts. Hi, I’m a 14-year old girl who’s facing a lot in life. Let me describe myself a little more. I’m 5 feet and 6 inches, I’m Chinese, and I can speak, read, and write English and Korean and basic Japanese. Because of my height, people pressure me into saying I can be a volleyball player, and I’m not even interested. To be honest, being a student makes me feel so annoyed, it makes me feel so stressed.

I’m not like the other students who have big dreams. I’m scared people might laugh at me, or even say negative things about my dream. My dream is to become a K-pop idol. Laugh at me all you want, because I don’t care anymore.

These past few months, all I’ve been doing is crying, no one knows what I’m going through, not even my friends or parents. I guess you can say right now I feel empty, I feel like dying is the best way to escape from all this.

Crying to sleep is what I do best, and you can say that’s been how my actual routine is since a few months ago. I’ve been going on a diet since a week ago, and I can see the results so far. Honestly, I’m scared now.

In school, I do good in all subjects, excluding Math, I study real hard for it, but I always end up failing. Report cards will be released soon, and I don’t want to disappoint my parents. But what can I do? It’s too late now, and the only thing I can do is feel bad about it and cry until I feel better.

I want to be a K-pop idol so bad, but it feels like it’ll never happen. I guess I want to be one so bad that I’ll do everything, even if it means leaving my family, or dropping out of school just to be able to train at Korea for it. People ask, “What’s the point of being a K-pop idol?” “Your going to become like those people who take plastic surgeries and perform?” I hate hearing questions like that, they don’t understand that because of K-pop, there was still a reason for me to live. I’d be gone a long time ago if it weren’t for that.

I want to cry right now, so bad but I’m holding them in. People think I’m a bright person, because I laugh and smile all day long, but inside, I feel like dying, I want to cry, and I’m breaking in the inside. I know I look fat, that’s why I’m taking a diet, but even if I look healthy enough, I still go on a diet.

All I want, for one day, is to be alone, with no one around, so I can cry my eyes out for once. To me, my home is like prison. School is making it worse, I can’t even enjoy much anymore, and I miss my old-self, my old-self where I used to be happy and bright, my real old-self, but now, everything that people see in me is fake, they just don’t see it.

I want to have someone too who can be there for me, a person who can just take me away for reality even if it’s only for a short moment. People leave, I know. People can also stay, but not in our lives. My heart aches every time I realize that there’s no shoulder for me every time I cry, all I want is a hug, but I realize no one can do that for me.

I can’t even cry in front of my friends, I don’t want them to feel burdened, and I would look like a weak person. I can’t help but to always feel so lonely, no one’s there for me. Hiding my sad face with a smile is my talent. I don’t do self-harm though, because crying myself to sleep and more crying secretly at night is already torture for me.

Can’t there be one day, or one night where crying isn’t needed?! Here I am, in my room, just losing it. I’m scared that I have depression/anxiety, it’s either I have them already, and I just didn’t realize it, or maybe I don’t have it, but it will come soon because of my behaviour. To those who have been reading this, thank you for your time, you have no idea how much that can mean to me. I just want to let everything out for once.