It isn’t exactly love. It is sort of a huge crush. I saw her during the first day of my college, but I was scared to talk to her initially but with time I started conversating with her and we built a friendship and I also got to know few of her friends too and we used to hang out a lot and still do. It was just a crush the first day but as we talked, my feelings for her increased. I just wanted to spend some time with her. But one day I got to know that she was already in a relationship. I felt bad, but I didn’t let that affect our friendship. I tried to treat her as my friend, trying to keep myself inside the friend zone. But it didn’t work. My feelings for her increased and I just got more attracted towards her.
I tried to avoid her. I think she knows I am avoiding her as when she is not around I act normally with her friends but when she comes I just can’t do anything, I don’t say a single thing because I know that if I start a conversation with her it might invoke my feelings and I will try to get close to her, which I don’t want to because I know that it would not just hurt me but also her.
Sometimes I have come across instances where I felt like she didn’t trust me anymore, and others where she didn’t want to talk to me or was irritated by my presence. Don’t know if they are true or not. I don’t want to confront her about this because it might hurt her if any of this was false.
I sometimes feel like proposing her, telling her everything but I can’t be knowing as how much it could affect her mentally. I care for her, I want to protect her, and I do, don’t know if she notices it or not. I sometimes feel like to stay away from like forever, but I can’t, I just don’t have the guts to.
I have no idea what to do. How do I even feel? What do I want to do? What should I do. And the worst is that I don’t have anyone to share this with, that is why I am here. And even here I am unable to express all what I feel because I can’t express it in words.