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Thinking about my past mistakes

Loneliness is such a huge place in such a small body or mind. Loneliness suffocates you faster than you are walking into a market or even a mall. Loneliness grips every fibre of your being as though you are losing oxygen.

Thinking about my past mistakes of how the two relationships I had been in had left me at Destination: loneliness

It has become my home. a one-way trip to a land flowing with regrets and mistakes. The waterfall consists of memories flowing down with a 31-year drop. The rocks placed at the bottom are all the things people will never forget about me.

I feel like my heart is a well a dry well that is…each time I look inside I see nothing I can’t even see the bottom its hole is so far deep and so dark and empty. When I try to throw in a piece of stone (happiness) it just keeps falling and the darkness just swallows it whole.

I have succumbed to my injured heart, bruised mind and exhausted emotions and drained body.

So many promises? so many good words? So many things that gave me purpose at one stage has now become my demise. Was I so gullible?  Was I so blinded by love? Was I so desperate to be loved that I ignored all my senses when the danger alarm went off? I don’t blame these two men in my life I blame myself. I should have never allowed them to have so much power over me! I should have known better! I should have reacted faster, wiser, should have put on my running shoes and ran for the hills.

But such is life and here I am lonely as I have ever been… I have never fully understood my own strength till now. where I have to put a smile on my face when inside I am going into cardiac arrest.

So much potential so much to give but so much time wasted on the wrong people! I shudder to even think about trying again I rather embrace the only person whose here.

Loneliness, switch off the lights, cover the lid on the well and walk slowly into the darkness.


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