I fell in love with an older boy at the end of my freshman year of high school. I dropped all of my friends and made him my priority. I had been depressed before I met him to the point of self-harm.

From the very first day I saw him, I knew that he was the one. I had never felt that way about anyone before. I am very shy and don’t like to engage in conversation, but this time things were different.

I immediately went home that night and found him on Facebook. We started talking and had an instant connection. A month later, we were an official couple. We were together for 1 year and 1 month. And it wasn’t an easy relationship.

Towards the end we fought every single day. We were emotionally abusive to each other. Yet I was in love with him. I was the one who broke things off after a massive fight that we had.

I was tired of the way that I was feeling. But I regretted it as soon as I told him I wanted to be done. I fell into the worst depression of my life and hurt myself worse than I even had before. I bombarded him with messages every day telling him I wanted him back and that he needed to end things with the girl that ruined us.

Eventually a year went by with us being broken up. I thought I was getting over him. But 3-4 months ago, I got a Skype call from him. And I fell in love in 2 seconds. He was still with the girl that he basically cheated on me with. 2 months ago, they broke up. And he contacted me.

He unblocked me on every social media. And we have talked every day that he has been available since (he is in the United States Marine Corps, so he is very busy). I am even more in love with him now than I ever was when we were together 2 years ago. and it is killing me. I am back to all of my old habits. He is the centre of my world. I spend more time on him than I do on anything now. He doesn’t want anything to do with me, he keeps telling me to wait until he gets back from deployment to get serious, but I can’t help myself.

I’m afraid that he isn’t going to give me a chance when that time comes. I can’t imagine my life without him in it. It hurts me just thinking about us never being together. I have already fell down a rabbit hole of sadness because of certain circumstances with his career. I have decided to choose this boy over and over again no matter what because he is my soul mate.

I truly believe that he is the one and only one for me forever and always. I can’t get over him and I never wanted to. But our relationship hurts me and is almost toxic. My feelings for him are very conflicting. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, yet I want to drop him from my life because he controls all of me. He has the ability to make me sad or angry very quickly, and I don’t want to feel that way. He also makes me feel unbelievably happy though.