It’s hard to explain what I feel. I don’t know if I should call it true love, but deep down I believe that it is. I have never felt the way that I am feeling, it hurts, and it makes me happy at the same time. It hurts because I can’t have it, it makes me happy because I understand what love really means.

Let me start. It was this boy, saw him second year of university, didn’t like him much. He was dating this girl I hate, so I naturally thought that if he’s dating a bitch like her, he must not be the best person. Anyways, I hated him for one whole year, even the mention of his name would make me furious.

Next year, last year of university, they broke up. I didn’t care much in the beginning, but I saw him looking at me expectantly. It was different, I felt a weird energy from him. Good weird. Then I remembered all the times I’ve seen him at university. He used to look at me different, like he wants something. I couldn’t see it before because I hated him, but now since that woman was out of the way, I saw him different. I liked him. I was attracted to him.

However, there was one problem, he was my brother’s friend. Which meant he was off limits for me, and I was off limits for him. I used to hear his stories from my brother almost every day, and they would be the highlight of my day.

This went on for the whole year, but it never went anywhere. I know he wanted to have something with me, but was too afraid of my brother. I could see it in his eyes whenever we saw each other. There was fire. I prayed that maybe he would suck it up one day and come talk to me, but he never did.

Here we are, a few months after we finished our university. I still think about him. I still want him. But I don’t think it’s ever going to work. Not anymore anyways because I said yes to marry someone else. He is a nice guy, don’t get me wrong. He is smart, he is stable, earns well and everything. But I don’t feel the magic when I think about him.

I just want an opinion alright? Should I confess my love to this boy? He is the most imperfect person you will meet. He used to hate studying (where I on the other hand was a top scorer in my class), normally it would be a turn-off for me if a guy wasn’t serious for his education. But this was something I overlooked about him. He was quite dumb to be honest, sometimes I think: why do I even like him? But I do. I love him. I want him to know.

I believe I might get the opportunity to meet him at my graduation. Should I say something to him? Even though I’ve promised someone else I will marry them? Am I making a mistake not telling him that I love him? I fear that maybe he actually does not like me, and that all of this is in my head. Should I leave it how it is? It’s just that I feel like I am making the biggest mistake of my life and I should at least make the effort to find out about his actual feelings for me. Maybe if I find out that he doesn’t like me, I might be happy in the future with someone else. Right now, I just think about the what ifs.