Sometimes I wish I was better. I wish I was prettier, smarter, and overall a better person. I look at the people surrounding me and hold up a mirror to next to myself then look at them. Comparing myself with their best traits and emphasizing on what I needed to fix about myself. In the mirror I see myself as a broken doll that just needed a little repair. I told myself that if I could just fix this, then all my happiness and dreams would come true.
That if I could be a little smarter, I could excel in my goals beyond what I dare hoped for. That if I could be a little prettier than the perfect love of my dreams would pop out of the air. That if I could be just a little more social then I could grow a large group of friends like a seed to a tree, that I could make feel happy and loved. If I would be a little more of all of these, my family would be proud to call me their daughter.
My family is what this all comes down to. I feel like at the center of my heart, they are what keeps it beating. In every action I take and every choice I make they are what I think about most. And the thought of letting them down makes me want to break down into a million pieces. But they are proud of me. Despite not being the best at what I do or being the prettiest. Despite the fact that I cannot socialize in large groups of people. They still are proud.
I already know why I think this way. Why I’m so worried about letting them down. Because I’m not proud of myself. I don’t know how to fix that. I’ve never had a drop of pride in my body. Any time I felt even the slightest bit happy with myself I would remind myself, there are others better than you. I would have a mask of false confidence when I needed it but once no one was looking that mask would crack. And break. Then I would hit myself with an army of words like, you’re nothing. No one will love you. You are worthless.
Why did I do this? So, I would never feel that bitter taste of disappointment. I figured if I never had high expectations then I could never fail. Now I taste that disappointment in my mouth every single day. Thanks to this. I truly am like a broken doll sitting on an old shelf. Begging for someone to fix it. To save it. But the truth is that only I can save that little broken doll. I just don’t have the confidence to do so.