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I haven’t been myself lately

I don’t know where to even start. I know I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve been pushing everyone away. Well not everyone, just you.

Why? Cause I’m heartbroken but I’m also in love. It’s a confusing feeling.

You said you liked me and I thought everything was going to be okay, but it didn’t end up that way.

You wanted space, so I gave you space. I said I would wait, I’m still waiting.

I thought this would be something I could get over and just move on, but I’ve never had this feeling before. And by that, I mean this feeling that is telling me to stay, don’t move on.

I want to move on, but I can’t. Just something about it is telling me not too. I’m not sure why. The night of your party is where things changed.

I saw you with someone else, someone who was making you happy. It wasn’t me.

You told me how you were not looking for anyone, but there you were chasing after someone who wants just one thing and one thing only, sex.

I will never understand why you fall for idiots like that. You’re more than just an object. But that’s the way it is.

You would rather have some idiotic boy over someone who would do absolutely anything for you, and I mean it.

As I drove away, I cried. I cried hard. I said it. I said I love you. Yup, I’m in love with my best friend. To make matters worse, I’m in love with my best friend and I’m not ever sure if they feel the same way.

Everything has been so different since that night because I’m hurt. I didn’t want to see you with someone else, I want to be your happiness. I swear we’re like meant to be together, but you don’t see it.

Everyone else does, why can’t you? I became distant. I stopped talking to you as much as possible and we didn’t hangout for like 2 weeks straight. I wanted to get over you just like you had gotten over me. It was hard. Still is. I was doing just fine without you. It still makes me sick to my stomach that you were messing around with guys and you even started to talk to one. That’s where I realized you’re probably over me. You moved on from me. Another week goes by.

I realized you have been ignoring me just like I was a few weeks ago. Fine. But it hurts. But your busy. I get it. Kind of. We started to hangout again, but not alone like we used to. It was weird. Every time I was around you I had this I hate you kind of feeling, idk why.

Then we hung out alone. It wasn’t the same. We used to be so cuddly, and you would make me incredibly happy and would make me laugh all the time. I used to make you feel the same. What happened to us?

Now, present time, I feel like I’m going insane. I still love you. It hurts to love someone who doesn’t love you back, or do you? I dream about you every night. You’re just always there. You make me so happy, and in my dreams, we’re happy. I wish it was reality. A majority of me feels that you’re over me, but I just feel like maybe you feel the same way I do. You did tell me you were scared before.

Scared of what? I never understood those texts. You’re confusing. You’re scared but you also told me I make you happy. I just don’t get it. I feel like I’m being selfish. I want her to be happy. That’s why I’m writing down my thoughts here and not expressing them to her.

I feel like I’m already going to do more damage to the friendship we have left. If being with some tool makes her happy, then I guess I’m happy. I’m really not but it’s okay. Eventually I will be. She’s been through a lot, and so have I but she deserves more than enough happiness.

Another thing I find myself always doing is looking at your Facebook to see what you post and look at photos of you. I feel like I do this every day. I miss you. I miss us. Just seeing you smile makes me happy. I saw a photo of you today, it just shows your natural beauty. It made me cry. I miss you so much. I love you.

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