I have always been attracted to older men and typically always dated guys who are older than me.
When I got to university I wasn’t really interested in my undergrad program basically because most of friends are in a different university. The first few days were boring up until one of my professors started showing an interest in me. I was unaware of this and when fellow classmates told me I could not believe them. I was always at the centre of all the examples he gave. Eventually I started noticing things about him as well. Besides being tall dark and extremely handsome he owns luxury cars.
I could not help but feel attracted to him. The more I attended his lectures the more I started to see how attractive and kind he was to me. I do not know when exactly, but I fell in love with him. All I know is that at some point during the semester I could not bear the idea of him skipping a lecture.
Allut was him… I felt guilty because he always wore his wedding band. As I fell harder for him I hallucinated that the band got bigger. After his final lecture with us I wanted to tell him how much I would miss but I stopped myself lest I expose my weakness instead I just walked away and had a dream that I was with him happy and together that evening.
When I woke up I forced myself to go the school library because I had books to return. I felt sick and missed him. When I reached the library, it was cold inside because the thermostat was broken so while that was being fixed I stood outside clutching my overdue books tightly. Then suddenly I saw students that were a year ahead of me walking towards the car park and there was someone that they all seemed to want to talk to.
It was him… dressed in white and looking more casual and laid back than I had ever seen. While I was awkwardly staring he then waved at me and motioned that I come to him. His students left while I walked towards him wondering what the hell he could possibly want from me. When I got to him only one other student remained he reached into the front seat of his car and pulled out a copy of my classmate’s term paper and gave it to me.
Just as I had dreaded he was just being my professor nothing more. My heart was shattered into a big prickly mess. It hurt. This wasn’t just lust I knew I was in love and the first step to my healing would be this… being shown that I was just another student. I was walking back to the library when his car pulled up beside me. I was shocked, but it was a pleasant surprise to see his face up close one last time. “What are you doing here by the way?” That’s the first time he asked me a question about me… not the class or the course but just me.
I smiled and explained to him he noticed I was shivering and then before I could respond he offered to buy me coffee or a few beers. It was gutsy on his part, but I suppose he knew from the way I looked at him in lectures that I would not say no because I obviously liked him. But that would have been wrong. I didn’t like him I LOVED HIM, and I could not help myself. The crush would have ended probably but him paying a large amount of money just for me to get coffee made my feelings stronger.
He probably will always be my first love that never knew… unless if I see him after my exams the dreaded finals then I have to tell him because I can’t live like this anymore.
PS. I love you Mr. M
