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I’d be much better off if I didn’t exist

What is wrong with me. I don’t feel like talking or typing or writing or doing anything I don’t even know how I am doing this right now. I have been told I’m a narcissist and a sociopath and have no common sense basically I’m at fault for the way I am is how I feel and there’s only one way out.

It’s not that I want to die. I just don’t want to live. I can’t take this feeling like everyone is just putting up a front for me and playing it cool but inside they really don’t want to deal with me. I feel stuck. Like there’s nothing I can do the change their perspective of me. No matter what I do what I have done will always remain and people lingered on those thoughts. I don’t know who thinks about my problems more. Me or the people around me. Am I that noticeable? I have been told I can’t see the big purple elephant in the middle of the room and that I remain being that elephant.

I can’t stand being around myself. Any slightest move I make I feel I am being watched being judged I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere but alone by myself. I often fantasize about being in the middle of a small field with tall grass and wildflowers swaying in the breeze with tall bushy trees surrounding it. I imagine myself in the middle screaming till my lungs give out until I literally cry myself to sleep for days. Wake up starving as if I’ve been fasting myself which I feel I am. Fasting from everyone everything. Deprived from live. Like I can’t have my own because its versioned as a fault in other eyes and when it is my own I feel I am in a prison of my own self-destructing thoughts. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it stop.

I feel like there’s no help no hope I am stuck in my own brain for the rest of my time. There’s no going back. Everything that has happened and will be reflected on no matter how easy or hard people try. I cannot live in my own brain. I want to leave and leave and leave and never come back. Ever. I just wish I never existed and no one has ever had to cross my path as do I have to walk it. My mind is in its own hell I suffer from because I put myself there. I let other people fill my head as do I myself. I can’t socialize for shit. I get nervous just looking at people as if they can see right through me and know all the bad things about me. I can’t handle myself and I can’t handle people and people can’t handle me.

I’m crazy. I feel crazy. I feel insomnia I feel no strength in anything. I don’t even have the energy to put out this feeling. I don’t have anyone. I can’t even cope with myself this is a shitty feeling. I want out of my brain I want to die. And for so long I keep as quiet as possible hoping I’m not as crazy as I really feel or am I am back into a position I thought I’d never see again.

I hate myself and want to die. I hate myself and want to die. I hate myself and want to die. I want to disappear. I want to sleep forever. I don’t have a purpose I just appeared on this earth for what reason. No reason. Why. I hate this. I was born to die. I don’t care to socialize at all. I’d be much better off dead. I’d be much better off if I didn’t exist. I hate being this stuck feeling I can’t get out of I hate it I hate it I hate it. I want a gun I want a bullet I want to die. I want to never exist. I can’t help myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t have the energy to sit and contemplate more on how I can figure out what’s wrong with me my mind is so scattered yet set on one thing. Death. How long till I get there and how can I get there.

I am a prisoner of society and myself. I hate this feeling I feel crazy like everyone around me sees me go crazy when I really am having anxiety attacks and I feel like death is hitting me, but it doesn’t end anything but make it worse. Like the breaking point of death, the pain before the end. And its never-ending. Breathing hard doesn’t even help as much I just wake up with the same feeling or where am I who am I why am I here what do I do and how can I end it. I wake up having anxiety attacks. It’s a never-ending cycle.

I hate myself and want to die. I hate myself and want to die. I hate myself and want to die. I don’t need help there’s no help to help me. I will always feel this way and I don’t know how to end it no matter how hard I try to ignore its always there like a heart attack waiting to happen I feel like I’m on fire and I’m going to die literally but I’m still here and people are still around me and I have no space.

From myself or by myself. Please if your reading this just know I feel crazy and I can’t help it. No one can. This is nearly me trying to ignore or cope with how I feel. By writing but I still feel crazy and everyone can tell I am going crazy. I don’t know how to stop it’s a never ending growing toxic cycle I cannot break. I am weak. I am fragile. I bruise easily.

I can’t gain any weight in fact I went from being 112 to 98 pounds. I can’t eat right. I can’t sleep right. I can’t socialize right. I am not normal, and I feel at fault for being a prisoner of my own brain. Even though I didn’t create my brain itself I absorb everything myself and release everything myself even though myself is my brain, yet I cannot stop it from going. Where is the off switch and why can’t I just die already?

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2 Comments


  1. Do. Not. Die.
    Your brain may seem negative, but it’s because you forgot how to make it positive.
    People aren’t constantly judging you. And they have no clue what’s going on in your head.
    You are not crazy. You are just experiencing the darkest of thoughts.
    People love you. People care.
    Heck, I care so much already. I wish I was there in person for you.
    No one is normal. Striving to be normal is striving to be nothing.
    ‘Fitting in’? There is no fitting in. There is being who you are and succeeding, or faking it because you think you aren’t accepted, and think wrong.
    You are accepted. Although you fake it, those who know you well see past that as to who you really are. They love you.
    If you feel like there’s no one in your life who really cares. They do.
    See, I’m a total stranger and we know nothing about eachother except what we can tell from each other’s words. Yet I care. I care so much it’s overwhelming. I feel desperate to sway your thoughts and help you, empower you, inspire you.
    If you feel like your trapped in the prison of your own mind… set it free.
    Talk to someone about it.
    No. They will not hate you.
    No. They will not judge you.
    No. They will not betray you.
    They will be there for you and shower you with love and happiness.
    It sounds hard or maybe you straight up don’t want to do it, but I swear, it will be the best decision to ever make.
    Please, if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for the stranger who is desperate for you to live. Please, I beg of you.

  2. Am sorry that you feel like that. But I know how you feel. I can be in a room with people so called friends and yet I’d fell like I don’t belong..I had so many dreams , so many aspirations and know I feel it all was just a child dreams that was quickly ridiculed and told don’t ever grow up like him. We’ve would be better off with out you. I’ve done a lot of things in Nicaragua, in the gulf that I’ve shared with no one. How I wish I could just drop off from the face of this world.
    That I could be forgotten that I would find or do that one good deed that would wipe out everything I’ve ever done. I pray that one day I will die with no one around and where no one would ever find me.
    I’ve believe that deep down inside you will find joy that comes from the inside not your surroundings or else one day you will wake up and find yourself like me. Don’t let that happen you are stronger than you think. Good luck!

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