“Sometimes I feel like I have a war in my mind” (Lana Del Rey)
I am feeling extremely empty, maybe I am mistaking it for sadness. Rejection can do that to you. But it’s never just one thing, well not with me anyways. Its always an accumulation of events, which threaten to shake my composure. I attempt not to dwell upon the miserable memories and unpleasant feelings, but I know not how to forgive and forget.
Sometimes, I love being sad – maybe that’s an understatement. It’s the only feeling that is familiar to me and brings me closer to home. I love being alone, lonely. All this positive, and friendly energy I projects is a deception on upon myself, an infidelity. I don’t feel like I belong. I want to feel loved, I want to love. But I push away at every opportunity, and fail to maintain or uphold a healthy relationship. I pity not myself. But competition drives me as it enables me to numb my feelings and focus on something else. Yet, failing at that state is equally as demotivating and de-captivates any passion you have. I feel obscenely discontent, perhaps a moral corruption in itself for I have an understanding how the outside world is so big, and huge corruption and poverty defines the lives of many countries and individual.
I relate wholeheartedly to this. I throw myself into my studies because it’s the only thing that makes me forget the way I feel. I’m told I have no reason to be depressed so I try to convince myself that I am not but I keep falling back into this pit of emptiness.