Since I was tiny I have been deemed more mature, more understanding than the others and have always found it difficult to make friends. I’m a teen now and am far from socially awkward – I know how to behave and act at multitudes of social gatherings. Over the years I have built up my skills- music, writing, mathematics – to the extent that I am close to, if not top of my class in every subject. It was about a year ago that I worked out how I was able to do this, and from so early on. My gift was, and still is, learning. I sound arrogant through all of this, I am aware, but I repeat what I am so often told in order for you to understand me better. From early on, I was exposed to the realities of life. Not through any family circumstance, but my parents have always been very frank with me, so when I encounter lies or deceit I make my hurt very clear. I have been the sense of justice for years, always breaking up issues, and am found approachable and have saved so many upset people from further grief. I am not one of those thousands upon thousands of people, plastering themselves in makeup to be socially acceptable in friend groups that are more like shark infested waters. I feel sorry for these people, those who really feel like they need to do all of this to fit into society, following all these rules that nobody understands why they even exist. You may try to stereotype me. Please, feel free to, but remember that have never felt like I could fit anywhere. I am an individual, I am unique and I am proud, I feel that what I am doing is right, and when I feel that I have done something wrong, I feel so internally retched and am so very angry at myself. I am the sort who cannot abide by impoliteness, but who understands and expresses the upmost sympathy. I understand how to tailor my speech to my audience at a glance. My parents never seem to understand, as much as they may say that they do, and I am under strict rules about my meeting people. With the combination of this and my desperation to be polite and well mannered, I feel that I must always comply with what they say.
The longest, and truest summary of my life so far. But all of this, for years now has led to one pain for me. Utter loneliness. I may have people all around me, but I am desperate for someone like minded to see inside me and understand me, to be there for me whether as a friend or more. As I have grown older this hole inside has opened more and more, and I continue only by thinking that time will change these people around me, make them more understanding. I know this seems just a whim of an ordinary teenager who’s watched far too many depressing movies, but I would like you to take this seriously, more than ever. I feel stuck, trapped within my own persona and don’t really know who I am anymore.
Why am I writing this? I needed someone to talk to, to share my life with as it becomes so very overwhelming. And another reason – if there is anyone out there like me, I wish to give them comfort so that they know that they are not alone. Nobody should have to feel like that. Many thanks. ~ J
