My life is a book with many chapters. I want to share one of them with you today, one that I’ve been able to almost close – Anorexia.
It started when I joined the dance school for classical dances in my town. In the beginning it was all fun and stuff but I’ve realised that guys didn’t really want to dance with me at first. When they got to know me it was all good but I started to feel uncomfortable with my body. I’ve had this problem before too, my aunt would always blame me for how much I was eating, and she and my mum were always kind of pushing me to eat less and do more sports. So since I was a child, I grew up trying to change myself instead of accepting who I was and learning how to be self confident in my own body.
So when I started going to that dance school, and for the first time ever got closer to guys, I just pushed all my worries aside, tried to bury them and keep them behind a wall.
This wall is a part of another chapter – Depression. So that made my depression get worse too. But that’s not the thing I want to talk about today.
So yeah the dance school organizes a big prom/ball thing every year to show the parents what their children have learned and stuff.
Of course my friends and me wanted to go there, but there was one problem…I needed a dress. So we went to buy one, and that’s when I started hating my body. I could barely fit into that dress even though I wasn’t fat at that time, I was chubby.

Anyway that’s when my journey started. I started to eat less and less to lose weight and fit better into that dress. It worked and finally I had some success in at least one part of my life.
So the prom was great, I had a lot of fun and enjoyed it. But there was no turning back. Even that night I was only thinking about how much weight I would lose off all this dancing.
I didn’t realise that I was beginning to fall for something that could and would destroy my life.
And I started to eat less and less every day and all these positive comments on my body made me so happy. Finally I got some attention for the way I changed, finally people were jealous of my body.
I was finally successful in one part of my life and because all other parts of my life were failing, I concentrated more and more on my weight and on losing weight. It was like an escape, there was something that I could control, that none else could take from me.
“This is my body and I can do with it whatever I want.” – I don’t know how many times I’ve said that to my mum my friends my relatives…
But lets continue a few weeks after the prom… I was finally beginning to be happy. But that was the silence before the storm.
Happiness didn’t last long. I was still not skinny enough . I still couldn’t see my bones . Other girls were still thinner than me.
I couldn’t eat less than I already did. 100-150 kcal a day. What did I do? I started to go for runs 2 times a day for half an hour. I rode the bike up the mountain nearly every day. I did aerobic at home for at least an hour a day. And I ran around the house all the time. When no one else was at home I ran around in the kitchen and living room and jumped for a few minutes.
Ok so I did everything to get skinnier and skinnier. My family started to notice that something was wrong with me … they tried to force me to eat and soon I was fighting with my mum every day about how bad that was for me and that I am destroying the family. But that only made my anorexia worse. I didn’t wanna go to family meetings anymore because they were angry at me for not wanting to eat. So I found a solution which is still controlling my life – planning my meals. Dinner with family on Friday ? No food on Thursday.
Unexpected dinners or lunch made me cry but I just didn’t eat anything the next day.
So now it was summer and I started my driving lessons. It. was “Hell On Earth”.
Because of how little I ate I didn’t have energy and I couldn’t really see anymore because everything was blurry and my reaction time was horrible.
I cried every time I got home after driving lesson. (I did it anyways and now I have my driving license and my own car ^^)
So there was one more problem that I forgot – hypothyroidism. That has had a big impact on my life since I was a child. So at this time of the year I had lost around 20 kg and my medication was too high – means the medication was pushing me and making my heart race. Which I later found out was really dangerous.
Oh I forgot one more thing, in June my mum took me to a doctor and told her that I didn’t get my period anymore . The doctor asked me why and I refused to say that it was because of my weight loss but my mum told her and she was shocked. She took my blood and a few weeks later she called my mum and said my hormones were going crazy and we had to do something. We never did because I refused to. I told myself that not getting your period was normal, that it was just a phase.
So in July or August I then met my first boyfriend. All I want to say about him is, that he was a complete jerk and he pushed me even more into anorexia and destroyed my gained self confidence. I was close to the start of recovering when he came along.
He blamed me for eating a slice of bread in the morning and an ice cream in the evening even though I did a lot of sports and that was everything I ate. He said I should take care otherwise I’ll get fat.
I felt comfortable with him and that’s why I thought he would even love me if I ate a little more. His words that day hurt me a lot.
After we both broke up my mum forced me to go to a doctor, said she would send me to the hospital otherwise. At that time I was weighing 48 kg.

Ah yeah how did it come to the doctor thing? My mum forced me to weigh myself while she was there…I drank a lot and wore some clothes to make it seem like I weighed more. But she made me weigh myself without all these clothes and she was shocked and started crying.
The next week we went to the doctor and that’s when I realised that I was in fact suffering from anorexia.
I agreed to meet the doctor again and she asked me at what weight I lost my period and she said : “ok so we have to get back to there.” That was like telling me the world would end tomorrow and before that someone would burn me alive. So, before we left the doctor, she made me weigh myself at her office and as I saw the look on her face I knew that it might be too late.
She was angry because I lied to her about my weight and shocked because of how much it really was.
I never wanted to go there again and I promised myself I could do that alone.
A week later or so, we went to the hospital to see the doctor that I knew since I was little because I wanted to see him. I will never forget the look on his face – the sadness and frustration. He talked to me about how it doesn’t matter if I weighed a little more or a little too much and that I was so pretty and happy before. He said that he hopes that it isn’t too late and he said that he believes in me. He was the first one that didn’t hate me or was angry at me, no, he believed in me and gave me hope .
He was the first one to open my eyes.
Then I had a talk with my brother. He was the one who helped me the most . Here’s what he said “you were so pretty and happy before. I could have so much fun with you. now you are only crying all the time and I can see your bones. I want my sister back .”
I could never thank him enough for what he did. He saved my life so many times.
The third person that helped me and supported me during my recovery was my first true love. He showed me that no matter what, he will always love me and that he loves my curves more than my bones.
He had late night snacks with me and he said “hey darling we will be fat together, we have each other so … f**k what others say”
From that day on… my recovery started. And I even continued when we sadly broke up.
It wasn’t easy and of course I had and still have relapses. There are good and bad days.
But I don’t hate anorexia . She’s a part of me and she taught me a lot.
I have learned to accept myself and don’t give a shit about what other people may think.
So many people tell me that I am pretty.. I just have to accept it.
And one more thing that I’ve learned : I don’t have to change myself, I just have to change the clothes that don’t fit .
My body is the home of my soul therefore it should represent me and not be a product of society.
There is so much more to say about this chapter but that’s just the short version.
Now I want to help people out there who suffer from the same thing.

You are beautiful – society is ugly !!!