What you are about to read is numerous text messages between myself and well, let’s say more than a friend (ex friend now). It’s been an extremely complicated few months not just for me but for Sandra (name changed for anonymity). We both have PTSD, but I am much older, I’m turning 40 and she is about to turn 28 both from the military and we met in a hospital for treatment of PTSD and related illness. You need some background to fully understand the depth of this 24-hour text message exchange. Which has culminated in the end of our relationship. Which was sexual.

This is a great example of very poor communication and extremely complicated lives but what makes this important is the fact of how serious an impact this conversation can be, both participants are willing to take their own lives. Both have children. Both have had previous suicide attempts.

I am writing this to share with universities so hopefully their future leaders in psychology/psychiatry can learn from real world events and prevent deaths. I would also like opinions from everyday people on how you would handle this conversation. Neither party is right or wrong but this is an accurate event.

2004: (Dave- not real name) Almost 40, left home at 18 and joined the Army, had a few near-death experiences however I am not accusing the military (legal all aside here) but had serious near-death experiences(multiple). Did medically discharge and moved into a quick relationship, marriage and beautiful child (Jane-not real name). Marriage broke down early in 2001 when Jane was one. Couple of years later met (Erica – not real name) got married a few years later in late 2004.

Have struggled with alcohol since medical discharged, had 2 suicide attempts, one in 1998 when I drove my car off an embankment and the second in 2003 when I gassed myself in a carpark.

After the second attempt, I had moved interstate and was alcohol free for 7 plus years, got married in 2004. I started to have a few slips in 2009 but nothing I can put my finger too. Managed to talk my way into being ok with alcohol and achieved senior management roles in major Australian company.

Financial pressures started in 2013 and the marriage with Erica started to break down. Alcohol fuelled fights started and in 2014 was the first time I pushed her physically.

We both drank and agitated each other into a fight, we had approximately 6 physical fights across 2 years where we actually touched each other, I never punched her, but I held her arms and controlled her and twice threw her on the bed, she slapped me or through things at me like the remote control. You can say it was minor and the police were not called but it is domestic violence none the less.

After issues with my daughter and her mother’s partner happened Jane finally ending up living with us but accumulating with all my work stress I ended up in Hospital and met Sandra.

(Nothing ever happened in hospital or pursuing months)

After 15 years of dealing with my crap Erica was tired and when I got out of hospital and I was not in the best of places, I had detoxed completely from medication and was suicidal, as I commented on this she said she couldn’t deal with it anymore and wanted me to lie, for me this was the final straw and I broke off the marriage. For her it is completely different and caught her of guard, although we were in a bad relationship I do not believe she expected me to end it.

I left as running away gives me peace (why else drink but to escape reality). After a few weeks on a mate’s couch with my daughter I got the first rental

I kept in contact with Sandra, she had her own crap going on but through text and the odd phone calls we kept in contact and seemed to help each other.

After a while the texts got emotional however I cannot pinpoint when but I bet she can.

We arranged a weekend away and it was amazing, like 15 year olds in love for the first time, butterflies, scared, first times, exciting, invigorating. Will leave the rest to your imaginations.

SANDRA.

27-year-old female. Struggled to get into the Army but did. It took time due to extremely difficult childhood, some trouble with the police and took time to clear her records. Left home at 13 and decided on her own life moving to QLD with her to be husband. Sandra has 2 boys (John and Matthew – not real names) however lost her daughter to meningitis. This is something that connected us as I almost died from meningitis.

Sandra was raped in recruit training on multiple occasions and then later by the same senior officer in her further training at a different base. He has now been charged and sentenced.

She now struggles to be in the Army and is going through the process of medical discharge,

I wish I knew more.

What happened next?

We had numerous times together that culminated in euphoria and we have argued worse than any bad relationship within the week. We can go from 100 to minus -100 in a conversation. It has debilitated both of us, I have gone into depression so bad I can’t get out of bed, she has been hospitalised and it has to be the unhealthiest thing that has happened to us.

The following is a basic conversation between us, she was having a day routine surgery that has been planned for months, and it shows how volatile a conversation can be.

Yesterday 8:26 pm
Hey Sandra, hope you’re ok. Just wanted to say I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow and hope it all goes well. I had my counselling session tonight and it went well and I signed up at the gym. Feel completely drained of energy. Sleep well.

Thanks

Today 11:36 am
Hey Sandra, just letting you know I am thinking of you and hope all is going well

Today 3:59 pm
Thanks

How did it go? How are you feeling?

Went fine. Like shit.

Ok, I leave you be to recover.

Ok?

You seemed to be quite short with me and said you feel like shit so just giving you some space because I thought that’s what you want.

Well I’m in immense pain having an ovary and a Fallopian tube taken and then being told my chances of having another baby have now decreased by 75% are quite heart shattering to say the least.

Jesus so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible news. Absolutely terrible. I wish I could do something for you.

?

? with you. Virtual hugs on the way.

Just sucks. Can never be happy

That’s not true, you have a lot to be happy about in your life. Also, it is not zero odds of never being able to have a baby again. Give yourself some time to process this.

No so over it. Why do others get to have everything they want and I get dealt shit after shit? It’s not fair.

Everyone doesn’t, it’s only a select few. It’s not fair I agree with you. But you do have 2 beautiful boys, some people don’t get any they would feel more hard done by. It’s how you look at the world that’s going to make the difference.

?
I just want to be gone. I honestly do.

That’s got to stop, you have to start thinking differently. You have 2 boys, you have no choice.

You don’t think I know that Dave!? Don’t you think I wish they were enough!? I already feel shit as a mother as it is. I don’t want to be like my mother to them and that’s what I’ll be if I stick around, they deserve better!! I’m done helping everyone else and being vulnerable only to be hurt time and time again. It’s time for me to be selfish and do what I want. I don’t give a shit if it hurts people. No one gives a shit if they hurt me. Fucking done.

You know that’s not true.

Also, better is with a mother not without one

It is true.

No, it’s not. You are selfless not selfish. Means you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders it hurts like hell but you keep going. You can do this.

Nope

Stand up soldier and do your job, there is no Quitting. You don’t go to war and decide halfway through that it’s too hard and go home. You see it through.

Nope not going to work. I’ve been through enough. I’ve done my time

Where are you?
You going to leave all your mates on the battlefield? Everyone from the ward? Make them a little weaker?

Shut up

That’s what you would do. You would leave behind a heap of mates that need you for strength

I don’t fucking care because where are they when I need them!?

Who has rung me? Who has come to see me?

Am I not fucking here? Was I not in the hospital?

People care, they are all in desperate places like you.

Also, don’t tell me you haven’t had a million messages from a heap of different people everyday

Your wanted in this world by many. As fucked as you are you need to put you pack back on and go again.

You better reply to me

You’re not always there Dave

Ok whatever, I have been there every time you needed it. Are you in a safe place or not?

No, you haven’t. You left me after I fucking hung myself are you kidding me!?

No, I didn’t. And you blame me for that. When it was DVA. I took you to the hospital and into the ward. You pushed me away at the ward.

Don’t you ever blame me for you trying to take your life.

I said it was a combination of factors I didn’t outright blame you

No, you pushed me away at the ward! You didn’t want people to know we were together! You wouldn’t kiss me goodbye!

Just leave me be. I obviously complicate things way too much for you as it is. You have enough to deal with regarding Jane. Just let me go.

I won’t sit back and let you kill yourself. Yes, we are not good for each other. I trigger you and you trigger me. But I don’t want you dead. So, fucking gets your shit together. Like I have too. I don’t have a choice and neither do you because we have kids. So, fucking god dammit as much as it sucks let’s promise one thing to each other and that is we won’t kill ourselves.

If me walking away means you’ll be happy then I will gladly do it because your happiness means more to me than my own. You deserve it, you deserve to know the love and happiness I feel when I’m around you. Good bye Dave.

If you hurt yourself know I will never be happy

You’ll never know.

Really. I don’t know what else to do to help you anymore.

I’m sorry?

I’m sorry for everything. Just stay away from me, it’s for the best.
________________________________________

I really hope to one day see you happy. If I could win the lottery of happiness I would give it to you. Please look after yourself, enjoy your time with those two beautiful boys of yours, they are amazing. You always have my number if you need me.

I need you now but it’s always with conditions with you and I can’t do it Dave.

I can’t do it either. You just told me to stay away. I’ll stay away now. No more cat and mouse games. This is a roller coaster to nowhere. I try and help and you push me away, I fall apart, you blame me, I blame you. It’s a sick circle. I want you to be healthy and I think you want the same for me. We make each other sick.

Ok whatever then. I only said that because you always push me away, put conditions on our relationship, what I can and can’t do. You couldn’t just let things happen naturally. I won’t try again then. I’ll block and delete your number. Delete Jane and you won’t hear from me again.
I fucking love you and I honestly thought you were the one for me but thank you for pulling the pin before I got lost in a lie.

I need to look after myself now. You should do the same. This has not been healthy for either of us. A relationship should not be this tumultuous. No matter what I say it will upset you. One thing I know this is not right. You can block me if you want. You don’t have too. I will still always be there for you as a friend but I can’t be in a relationship with you. It will kill me.

I know whatever it was between us it is something that I will never have again in my life. I have had the best feelings and the worst feelings but I will always be glad I have them. I am going to choose the best ones.

Please don’t

Please don’t…

Until your better and I am sober I will not get into a relationship.

But it’s ok for you to fucking sleep with me

I can’t believe you

This is what I am talking about

I don’t understand how you can say I love you and be inside me then turn around and say, ‘whatever it was between us’?

I’m sorry that me falling in love with you scared you and I’m sorry if your mixed signals caused me to think we were something we weren’t.

I said I would be honest with you. And that it would hurt your feelings. Read through tonight’s messages from the start and put yourself in my shoes, you have literally told me to go away on 3 separate occasions.

I am have said I am not going to enter into any relationship games.

Yes, I love you and to walk away from you will kill me but it is better than the ups and downs of what has been happening for weeks.

I will be there for you and help you as a friend. There is no more going back and forth it is not healthy.

You can crack the shits with me.

But it’s ok for you to go back and forth with me for weeks? You dumped me every week for 5 weeks.
I go through a rough trot and you give up. Thanks.

I don’t want to play games, I just want to know that you’re mine even if we are not in a relationship. How hard is that for you to understand?

I have been there to support you always. And I will be moving forward. I just am not going to be in a relationship with you. It’s your choice if you want me around.

ok

That means no sleeping with each other again. Support each other through hell and back.
If that’s not possible we go our separate ways.

ok

I can be there for you and will be

ok

Ok

Whatever you say

That was extremely sarcastic, either there is a friendship or not. If you don’t want me as a friend you need to say so now. I have my own problems as you know. I have no time.

Do you want me as a friend?

it wasn’t sarcastic.

You don’t answer. Be straight. Answer the question.

No, I don’t but it’ll do for now.

No is the answer, I won’t block you. Call me when you want a friend.

Don’t talk to me like that.

I’m protecting myself Sandra.

I’m not joking. We can’t have a relationship. It goes crazy.

I fucking care for you more than anything. I want you to be happy and healthy.

I will be there to help you as a friend only now.

I will not cross the line again as much as I want it.

I am trying to get sober, it’s hard. Your trying to stay alive, and this relationship wrecks any chance of success.

If you want me to be there I will but as a friend, not as this will do for now.

It’s honesty time. If you think you can’t do this then let’s say it.

This isn’t fair. I’m fucking done.

Blocked.
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Guess I am alone now