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I feel like I got cheated, being raped with my consent

I signed up on Christian matrimony website after my dad had a block in the heart last year. My brother is married and lives separately. My parents were helpless and asked me to look for a groom myself. I met a 28-yr. old guy on this website, who did his masters from the Texas A&M University, U.S. He said his U.S Visa got denied because of Trump. He was waiting for his Canada PR and showed deep interest to get engaged with me before he left for Canada. My family was not in a hurry because they were scared to put me into the hands of some stranger, so quickly. I told him that I was 2 months younger than him and I had psoriasis since school. He said he was okay with it. He also mentioned that technically he born right, even though his mom was 2 years older than his dad. I developed a soft corner for him when he said he was born before his parents got married and was raised by his grandparents. He mentioned he could not give me a loving family. He kept saying “don’t ever leave me no matter what happens”. He said so many things about his family like his dad and mom belonged to different religion, his uncle was cheating on his wife, his sister suffered from a crowd phobia as some people kept chasing after her. When I learnt that his parents did not like me, he said that his parents might find him a stupid girl and so he wanted to stick to me. He still convinced them to talk to my parents, met me and my family. I paid for his tickets, his stay in Bangalore, took him out for shopping, drove him around the city but he got me food saying that there’s a belief that if take food from the bride, the marriage would not work. His mother got permission from my parents over the phone, asked me to meet his aunt along with him.

On our first meet in Bangalore he sent me back home with swollen lips, my parents were yet to meet him for the first time. My mom gave me an ice pack and she wasn’t so happy with this man’s behaviour, I was embarrassed but then I thought he was my future husband and that he really loved me. So, it should be all right. He said if he ever met god, he’d mention that he had made the best junk instantly. When I asked him to explain, he said he had been to strip clubs while in the U.S. We did make out, but I thought he needs to see my skin and I wondered if he would still love me. I sent him flowers and gifts. Because he said his parents never treated him well. I gave my IELTS exam hoping to be in a good social status, before he met me. But I only got 7.5.

After he returned to his hometown Makhaira, Hyderabad, his parents never returned a courtesy call to thank them for treating their son well, neither did he. He texted and called me without giving me a break. He would call my mum if I didn’t take his calls. My parents assumed that he was too caring and insisted that I must speak to him and not avoid his calls. He said he would do a court marriage and his parents just had to live with it. He did not show up on my birthday, he said he wanted to, but I thought he should visit me with his family. Also, it was a bit scary because he said, as your birthday gift, I’d like to be the one to take away your virginity. Even though he didn’t show up on my birthday. I expected him to send me flowers, so I kind of was angry and so he pretended to book his ticket to Bangalore. Told his mother that he was leaving to Bangalore and went out with his cousins for shopping. Meanwhile his mother called mine saying that “it is not right for him to meet her again, he’s all the time chatting and talking to her. My son is stubborn… Is your daughter stubborn too? And please ask your daughter to tell him not to visit her and make sure he doesn’t know that I called”. But that night he said that he won’t be able to board the bus because he got late shopping with his cousins. But I thought his mother would be happy and so I never expected too much from him, also because he was not earning… I didn’t think it was right to expect any sort of gesture from him to please me on my birthday. For the record he had two phone numbers for a short holiday in India (Sept 2017 to Jan 2018), he was always online on WhatsApp, Instagram, Facebook, and his mother thought that he was talking only to me!

I got sick for like 20 days after a food infection which gave me itching on my skin, so doctor prescribed me steroids for the itching to go away. Meanwhile he said he googled about psoriasis and he learnt that it was genetic. He started to talk about my disorder often and that he didn’t want unhealthy children. I told him he could stop and not make this worse, but he insisted that we stick together, probably have surrogate children or adopt children. He asked me to see him in Hyderabad two days before his travel date to Canada. I took my parents’ permission, but didn’t inform his parents, we met, and he said he would be on the other side of the world, thinking about me for months… So, I wanted to show him that I trusted him. Even though I was sick, taking medication for the food infection, we had sex and then I travelled back the same night. I hugged him and cried, for the first time I missed someone more than my mother, I felt like he was my home. But he calls me while I just boarded the bus that I laugh too loud and I have fat legs, and then he apologized in the very next call.

On the day of travel, he called me and was very upset, he said “don’t ever leave me, no matter what”, I was worried if his parents arranged his wedding with someone else. But he didn’t want to tell me what had happened, he instead called my best friend who lived near his house and told him the he met his girlfriend who he knew since school and that he dint know if he should tell me. My best friend did not tell me about it, because he didn’t want to see me hurt.

He reached Canada, he called me day and night until he got rid of his jet lag. He said he would soon buy a house, a car. I applied for jobs on LinkedIn and other websites day in and out for him. He got through an interview in public health Ontario. Meanwhile his aunt from Bangalore, happened to meet my brother at the church and informed that his parents are looking for another bride. That’s when I googled and found out that he had updated his matrimony profile as a gold member and catholic NRI bridegroom, with new pictures. He said it was because we had a fight and it was for his parents, and so I didn’t bother him. When his hr didn’t return to him because his references turned out to be cranky, I taught him to write an email to his hr, after which he got his offer letter. I re-did my IELTS because I wanted to go be with my man, but I got the same score again. Also, my MBA was not recognised, and my CRS score was so low, and I lost all my hope to go to Canada.

Now that he knew I cannot join him in Canada, he started telling me things like psoriasis is genetic and he did want to marry me because of that. I trusted a man completely for the first time in 28 years because I believed he was my blessing and he would marry me. He said he might not like me 2 months after the marriage and might divorce me. He continued saying things like I laugh loud, I have fat legs, I’m not good in pleasing him physically, I take steroids for my skin allergies, I have stretch marks, his kids would contact my disease. I still tried to hold on to him, hoping I must marry him and live with this as I cannot get physical or love another man like how I loved him. He said he would give me a child but not marry me if he came back to India. I am working since I was 20 years old. I have not been on a vacation. I thought a marriage would earn me dignity in the society and I could have a life too. My parents are in their 60’s, I have to stay in a job to provide them and get them medical benefits. My brother at one instance hurt this man’s ego asking him what marriage is, why do you intend to marry a sick girl.

I feel like I got cheated, being raped with my consent. When we last spoke, he mentioned that his ex-girlfriend dumped him, and he loved her like how I loved him. He denied another girl because she had lot of loans and he was talking to her for a while. Another girl he’s been doing rosaries with, even though his parents didn’t like her and suddenly she stopped talking to him after six months. He said he prayed and read bible with them. Just like how he prayed and read bible with me. I tried reaching out to his mother, but she ignored me conveniently. My mother is the only person who is aware of how hurt I am today, she grieves with me and tries to give me hope.

Is it wrong to trust a person who you wish to be married to, knowing they are flawed?

He knew he was wrong, he would call me every now and then, saying he’s sorry. If I cried that I didn’t want to lose him, he would abuse me saying. “I’ll marry you, but I’ll make your life miserable. Bitch you, you should not have come behind me knowing I’m two months younger than you.” he sent me a screenshot saying he has credit card debt close to thirty thousand dollars and he is dependent on his parents for the cash and he must listen to them.

I never imagined that I would become a victim. My soul is shattered today, but I still have to pretend to be strong and live.

Marriage is a free pass for idiots to mess with people’s emotions and lives.

Matrimony websites have no regulatory bodies and girls like me who have no help, must definitely not trust anyone, even if people (educated, NRI, bigger criminals) come forward to marry.

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