This may come in as many other miscarriage stories, and those who read this threat, thank you for investing your time in this.

5 years ago, I met this man, I wouldn’t say that he’s the man of my dreams, but he sure made me happy in some ways. After 2 years of being a really close friend, we stopped talking and moved on with our lives. How funny that we don’t even know what made us stop.

On January 2017, he found my profile on Facebook and initiated a conversation, we exchange contacts again and talk like how we used to. It progresses further than more than just a close friend. We developed more feelings that we used to before. I don’t take plunges on relationships, so I told him maybe we go out for a few dates and see how things goes.

Plans after plans, we failed to go on dates. So, one day, we planned to just book ourselves a hotel room, nothing fancy, something that is affordable, we bought food and drinks and just hang out and talk. Things got drifted and we had unprotected sex.

We both admitted that our feelings for each other grew even more. A month later I realized that I’m a week late. So, I texted him, he told me to get a home test kit, it came out negative but there’s a faint line. I took a picture and showed him, and I told him that I see a faint line, but he did not see a line down. I told myself maybe it’s just me maybe because I tend to overthink sometimes. I told him maybe it’s too early to know and wait for few more days to test.

In between the days, we talked, and I told him what if its positive? What are the paths do we have. He said he don’t think we are ready for a baby. I got really hurt like man, we are old enough to have babies, we had unprotected sex and that how the baby comes. We should at least have stopped ourselves if you’re not ready for a baby.

I feel sad that he’s not like what I think he is. My feelings for him started to evaporate. A couple of days later, I bought it and test again. Still Negative. 2 days after the test, I had period cramps but its way milder that comes with spotting. I felt relieved and went to text him that I got my period. This time, my period is so weird. I had cramping and spotting for 1-2 days.

What makes weirder is I started to feel nausea, feeling grumpy, I started to dislike the smell of my own pillow and all I want to do is stuff meat and instant noodles in my mouth. I googled my symptoms and it turned out to be how being pregnant is like. I’m like, oh shit. is this really happening?

The following day, I went to get myself a home test kit again and this time round, I am really pregnant. I was in total disbelieve. I went to buy a digital one to confirm if it’s really pregnant, and yes it tells me that I’m pregnant. I broke down, I don’t know what to do. I wanted to tell him but surely, he will tell me to get rid of the baby.

So, I kept quiet, didn’t tell a single soul, not even the father to my child. It took 3 days to think what I should do next. Do I keep it? Abort it? And yes, I’ve chosen to keep the baby. It was never the baby’s fault and somehow, I already felt like I love this baby so much, that connection even though I’ve yet to feel any movements or kicking’s.

Next day, I went to the GP to confirm my pregnancy and get a hospital referral. The GP told me that my baby might be between 7-8 weeks old and surely can see my baby through ultrasound. I’ve never felt so happy my entire life even though I know that I will be raising this child alone. I got the earliest slot which is the following Monday (It was Tuesday when I visited the GP). On early Thursday morning, I woke up to a bad cramp with light bleeding. I was told that it’s normal especially at the early stages of your pregnancy.

The bleeding somewhat stopped but I’m still having cramps. I wanted to call in sick, but I had an important presentation to be done my client’s office. When I was doing my presentation, the cramp got intense, but I had to keep going as this is a very big client. I remembered this horrible part when I put my feet forward, I can feel like period blood running but with x3 more of wetness. I felt so soaked and I felt like there’s a jelly-like warmness on my panties. after the presentation, I went off the toilet to check see that’s going on. To my surprise, there’s a big chunk of clot with a little white-greyish thing on my underwear. I told my boss that I need to go the hospital as something weird is happening (he doesn’t know that I’m pregnant). When I was in the cab, I can feel blood soaking me up even more. When I reached the emergency, I told the nurse what happened, and they wheeled me in. I was scared and lost. I was crying my hearts out as I’m so afraid that my baby is gone.

As soon as I’ve calmed, they got me to pee in a cup and also, they took my blood sample for testing. They wanted to do an ultrasound to see if the baby is fine but I’m just too scared that I can’t handle the truth. I got admitted, and thanks to the help of the staffs, I wasn’t admitted to ladies’ ward but instead, I got admitted to a private general surgery ward suite.

I just don’t want my family and friends to know what’s going on. When I was in the suite, I was still bleeding, I had to tell my dad and siblings I had a stomach infection and at the same time a very heavy period.

Luckily, they believed. The results came out late at night and the doctors came after my family left. Saying that high likely it’s a miscarriage since my HCG level is lower than what it should it. They told me that they will need to do an ultrasound to confirm it.

Yep, no more baby, only sag. Maybe the huge clot and white-greyish thing is the baby. I was told to rest as my BP is dropping very low. Later tomorrow evening, I had gone for the D&C procedure. After the procedure, I’ve received a text from him asking how’s my week is going and why I’m running away from him. I kept silent still.

Throughout this journey, it has been really sad and depressing. It makes me feel guilty that I can’t even bare a child. Few days after I got discharged, I told him what happened. I told him how I felt about the baby, how I’m feeling emotionally and all he told me is move on. Really? Move on? Is that all that he has in his mind??

To wrap this thing up, I think it’s good that I and he stopped talking and contacting as that will drive me crazy. I’ve learn a lot through this kind of situation. And it is a very valuable one.

I’m out #