Loser! Freak! Loner! Nerd! Stupid! Worthless! Waste of space! weak! Those were the words others have said to me. I’ve been wearing a mask and fake smiles for 8 years now. And so far, no one has seen through my mask yet. I’ve been bottling up my emotions though all these years, and yet it seems I will not going to be letting it out anytime soon. I started wearing fake smiles since I was 4, and as depressing as it may sound I haven’t stop yet.

I moved from Thailand to Finland. And in Finland I’ve made 4 friends. I lie about my feelings, I lie about not caring what the others think about me. I lie about not being mad that their parents are together and yet they seem to be complaining about their parents. I felt jealous that their parents are together yet mine are divorced. I lie to my mom that I felt fine about not going to the movie with my friends because my mom didn’t want me to go and see a movie that seems for “5-year olds”. I felt like at that moment my friends left me just like my old one did.

I kept on lying and lying that it became a habit of not showing my real emotions. I lie to my parent. I lie to my family. I lie to my friends. I lie to my teachers. Because of what I learn the hard way when I was little, “Showing your emotions is for the weak, but I guess that would be normal for you to be weak anyway.” Those words will forever be a part of my past that I can’t move on from.

I kept on lying even though it hurts on the inside. I kept on smiling even though I was dead on the inside. I kept on laughing as though I don’t have a care to the world when truly that laugh was fake and that I was screaming on the inside. Nobody heard my screams. Nobody saw the pain behind my eyes. Nobody notice the clues and hints I give them. Cause what they see is a girl that was happy with life, a young girl that don’t know the hardship of life. When in reality, behind the mask was someone that was dead and just broken.

The world really is a cruel place. People are just too blind to notice the struggle of some people who is fighting to survive.