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Vincent, you did a lot for me and you hurt me a lot, but I wouldn’t take it back for the world

It all started in sixth grade really. The school year had just started and first day of electives the only people to show were me, Kevin, Anthony, and Vincent. That was the start to our friendship. Throughout the year, the four of us became close and joked around during our classes. I remember in ninth period with Mrs Wittenberg, I wanted to be partners with him for some stupid project because there was an odd number of boys and girls or whatever. It was stupid but at the time it would have been so much fun. Then that was really it for that year. Seventh grade started, and that group slowly dismantled. But Vincent was in my social studies class and a few others. I remember all through Mrs Largidare’s class laughing at his jokes but keeping to myself being the shy person I was. Taylor used to make indirect jokes to him and I was so clueless I never got it. Practically the whole grade knew he liked me, besides me. I would say someone literally said just ‘Vincent’ to me and I thought nothing of it. I figured it out towards the end when we got to sit next to each other in social studies. It was actually fun but at that point he felt defeated because I had been so clueless. That’s just the background story really.

But here’s the start to the real story. It’s eighth grade and me Anna and Erin are going to the rbr football game. We all are walking up the bleachers as my friends go oh look there’s Vincent because they had to make a joke. No one directly told me but at this point I had known he liked me and I figured it was all in the past. I remember walking over to everyone in our grade and of course there Vincent was. My friends made a joke and honestly, I didn’t think much of it at first. We go over to sit and I freeze. The issue was that Erin and Anna go over to him and the moment my name gets mentioned, his face turns red. So, I began to panic.
(side note; I had been the girl who was not even good friends with boys. I helped my friends with their relationships and that was it. I was not interested in them, until this happened).

Anyway, I literally avoided him the whole night and avoiding that area because I was afraid of embarrassing myself. I think I also was afraid of realizing maybe I liked him. So, I proceeded to talk to different friends and then run at the end. I did navigate my way through the bleachers and pass him but that was it. I went to chase after Erin and ran past him at the time, I was too caught up in my friend’s relationships. That’s why I never expected anything because I never wanted that. Yet I was lucky enough to experience it. Anyway, we leave the football game and go back to anna’s house. They had been talking to Vincent the whole night at the football game. They brought up his name and were like so what do you think. Usually my response would be, omg no way. But I was quiet, because I didn’t know, this feeling was different. They immediately flipped and called him. That was the start. We facetimed him as we threw a football around the room.

I remember the day he texted me too. I was so nervous and had no clue what to say. I remember going to some fair at delicious orchards and hiding my phone, so no one would see. It was like my little secret, all for me. Then the talking continues. He added me on snapchat one night when I was at free skate, he was all dressed up fancy sending some cute mirror selfies. It was just adorable. Like he tried, and I could tell. We talked, and it was amazing. The only issue was getting my dad on board with the idea. But sure, enough Vincent convinced me we would figure it out.

October 7th, then a big group of us all went to the mall. I showed up late while all my friends were getting dinner and of course the only seat that is open is next to him. So, we all were going to see the visit. I wasn’t next to him, but I moved after my friends pushed me and he reluctantly putting his arm around me. It was cute and made my heart flutter at the time. I remember him texting Erin and telling her how nervous he was and how happy he was when he did it. Like this boy cared, I always wonder what happened.

October 9th. Then we all went to freeskate, he asked me to skate and I remember holding hands and being asked out. That was one of the best nights of my life. I of course said yes and was overjoyed. I went to Erin’s house that night, giggled while looking at the picture we had taken, and thinking of how our anniversaries would be on my birthday and other occasions. I was just in awe with him.

We had all these classes together, which was a blessing and a curse because every teacher eventually knew. But it made the experience a little more fun. From Mrs Christman inviting the “cousins” in to join class to me convincing Mrs Lesch it was my fault he did the wrong ixl and then doing the ixl for him. Or even running together in gym. Or Mrs macchias roller coaster project. It was all amazing.

Then came December, well December 4th to be exact when another one of the best moments in my life came. My first kiss. As much as he regrets the way it happened, it was perfect because it was just me and him. I was nervous and caught off guard, but it was exhilarating. Then came Christmas when I received the cutest gift of my favorited necklace and elephant. We hit a bump around January but that was just a bad time for me with my friends too. I had lost my friend group which I now know was because I was too focused on Vincent. I shouldn’t put all the blame on Vincent because there is also one girl in particular that ruined my life. But anyway, we kind of fought because I hadn’t seen him. Once we resolved the problems, things continued and were amazing.

Valentine’s Day came, and we went to see a movie, that’s around when Reggie came to life. My dad sent me this link to a movie to scare him, however we just laughed to it. That was great, and Vincent learned my love for white chocolate kit kats. Once that was done, we reached April where we hit six months and went paintballing with my family. It was terrifying, but he made it all worth it. Through the year, we had all the dances where I just got to slow dance with the best guy. We even had a song which is such an emotional song to this day. I used to cry every time I listened to it because of how happy I was. But the dances were great. There was D.C. which I got to spend with my love too. We got the best pictures and I literally fell asleep on his shoulder on the bus. (which also happened during a few assemblies) that trip was one to remember. We had inside jokes that went on and on (because those are his specialty). Graduation then came, and we were the schools couple. Ville forever basically. Although we didn’t walk together at gradation, I got to take the best pictures and then slow dance.

That will forever be one of my favorited memories. Awe we’re dressed all fancy and got to slow dance and just sway. (sway sway became a legendary joke) I can still contest to this day that slow dancing with him at graduation goes down as top 10 moments in my short life. We were fighting during that party, god only knows why, but even at the end, I just was happy to dance with him. Idk if it was that we didn’t step on each other’s feet anymore or if it was because we weren’t a mile away. But regardless, I will always remember how good that moment felt.

Then came summer. There was the amazing day, that only he would know which it was, and that was just a whole day together. It was amazing and just a summer love until camp came. I made this huge bracelet for him to remember me because I was jealous of the huge bracelets the other girls made him, so I made one that was bigger then there’s. And I made this thoughtful book of all our pictures since his phone wouldn’t really work, I hope he still has it. It broke my heart for him to leave and then the time away put a dent in the relationship. But all the mistakes I made that summer, were just me trying to fix and make him happy. We fought a lot, it wasn’t healthy for either of us. I “broke up” with him which I reversed an hour later basically. I was fed up with him and I was starting to see the underlying problems. My friends started making me see how bad somethings were, and I was blinded by them before. But I ended up fixing it, because that was always my goal.

But once that was through, we reached freshman year. I walked into that big school with Vincent by my side and that made once again a hard situation, a little bit easier. We had no classes together but figured out every way to get to each other. He even used my locker all year. We were the couple who held hands in the hallway and I got to feel better after a rough day with his arm around me. We literally didn’t notice anyone else in the halls because of how in love we were. Then we hit one year, and that anniversary was amazing. I got a video of our relationship and I was crying over it so much. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. When we got to hang to was so much fun, he would come over and I’d be in these huge sweatpants, my fancy pants, and we would just chill. The thing I loved was we didn’t go on real dates, we hung out and that was perfect to me. He was always with my family for the holidays and it was just so nice. I loved having him to be with everyone. He pushed me to new experiences and showed me the new world honestly. We had homecoming which was cute to have a date to go with. I got all dressed up and he looked very handsome. We got to slow dance without the markham teachers all over us and I loved it. I wish I got one more dance. I’ll always wish that. Throughout frosh year, we went everywhere together. We took the best pictures and were everyone’s goals. I went to most of the football games, I wore his jersey for Halloween. Halloween was great, just sitting on his lap by the fire warmed my heart. Then came Christmas and my birthday and valentines which were spent together. We went to New Year’s party and I got a kiss when the ball dropped. Even though I was sick he kissed me anyway and it was just very sweet. We got to facetime constantly thought out it all. I can’t stay up and yet I’d go past my bedtime or go past when my parents cut me off because I wanted to talk to him. I’d sit there and have laughing fits because of how happy I was. I want to always be that happy. He kept me sane from school work and we just balanced each other out. He came to my concerts and always supported me. Which was very thoughtful. I even kept the flowers. I had some flowers from eighth grade which were from Valentine’s Day, and I had them up until about a few weeks ago. (I am very sentimental when it comes to that stuff) then the rest of the year was very busy. We hung out when we could, and I appreciated every second I got with him.

Then things started to gradually get worse. Because of me or so he made me believe. We fought, and he always forgave me. I left out a lot of the fighting here because I like the happy times better. (now I’ll go back and add it). Vincent was extremely controlling, and it impacted me for sure, just look at my forgiveness letter. I’m not saying he didn’t impact me positively, but it wasn’t all a fantasy. He would control a lot of my life which wasn’t okay, but I was blinded by it at the time. But this was the fighting that led to the end. I lied to do things I wanted to, which didn’t really work. I regret it all so much to this day. I made the biggest mistakes of my life here. But everything happens for a reason.

So, when it came down to it, it ended in the summer. He facetimed me, had a panic attack, and I lost it. I remember being on the phone with him and him having to go. He was like I’ll call you in an hour or so. So, I came back with my breakfast I was going to eat after and I didn’t expect this. He started freaking out and I know he has bad anxiety, so it wasn’t pleasant to see. I was just confused and then he drops the ball and is like maybe we should end this. I never wanted to hear that. I didn’t even get it at first, he wouldn’t say I’m breaking up with you, he just kept saying maybe we should take a break. So, I was like you need to be clear and if you’re going to do it, say it. So, he did. And it’s pathetic but I gave him 24 hours to reconsider it all. He didn’t change what he thought. I was sitting at my dad’s and I texted my mom to come get me. I get in the car and I lost it. I remember sitting there and crying the way home because I didn’t know what to do. I sat and cried, and it hurt physically. I didn’t eat anything because I had no appetite. This continued for two days. I was just lost. But then Sophie dragged me out of my bed and I realized I was okay. And I wasn’t going to mope around and feel sorry for myself. Because now I just had to learn to live again.

We had dated almost 2 years. This was my person (greys reference) and my best friend. He knows all my secrets, how to make me feel better, all my fears, what I love, and all the important stuff. I felt empty for a while. But I had to stop being upset. Because as much as I love Vincent, I can’t be sad. I needed my best friend back and so I became determined to get that back. I missed him every day, I missed the stupid little stuff. Like how he smelled so good or when he would get a fresh haircut. The thing I missed the most was his hugs. I needed one more hug and one more kiss. This broke my heart. I would have held on a little longer if I knew that hug was our last hug. I wish I knew. But rn I’m here trying to remember it all. And I know I missed a lot, but I am just trying to get my feelings out.

It’s weird because that’s basically where I ended the story. So now that it’s been a year I’m going to continue it.

Summer was interesting for the two of us. I avoided him at the school meetings just because it was weird. We started talking again which was good. I originally told him I needed space, so my head didn’t get confused. And that was a good call on my part. When we started talking again, it was weird. Because I didn’t know what to say, like hi how are you, which I knew neither of us were entirely okay. Then we dealt with Vincent changing. The boy that went to all these parties and got with random girls, upset me. Because I didn’t understand. Like was I not enough? And so, I talked to him about it which clearly crossed a line. I apologized, and we were good. Until he crossed a line, he was like being flirty which was confusing, but as an impulse, I flirted back. He was like you know if you ever wanted to hug we could still. And that offer really screwed with me. I was torn, I’m not going to lie, because I wanted to. But I knew I couldn’t. He explained how no one could know either which was understandable. I was pretty blunt with him and I said, if we hug I’m going to fall in love with you again and that is when he stopped. And he hasn’t ever asked me since.

After that summer ended, I was happy. I finally felt like myself again. And school came. I had three classes with him and we were on speaking terms, but I hadn’t seen him since before we broke up. It was kind of awkward at first. Especially because of how I freaked out on him over the summer. But it got easier. For the amount of times I had to sit next to him, it had get easier. We all became friends again. In English, it was me Marissa Vincent and Zac. In Spanish, it was me Vincent Lauren and Ben. And in history, we kept our distance. Overall, we became good friends again and that’s all I could have asked for. Besides him changing.
The Vincent I knew in 8th grade clearly has changed. Once football started, so did his ego. He got ripped and basically became a dick. He got with many girls, had many parties, and just turned into someone that wasn’t recognizable for me. The weird thing, is that when we facetimed, he is still the same person. So, I wonder why he made this reputation for himself, because he’s a good guy inside.

It was easy to write the beginning because it was all happy but now here I am reflecting on tall in the end and it’s so hard to keep myself together. And now I’m here reading this again and seeing how crazy it all was. I see how we are friends again and have been through a full circle. Who would’ve thought we would be where we are today. But the whole point of writing this was this. To remember how amazing it all was, and how deep in love we were. To remember not to be angry with Vincent because he’s the best guy I know. And although he is lost right now, I hope he finds his way again. To be happy with what happened because there were experience I would never give up. And to be okay with the fact that we are friends now. I thank Vincent for everything he did for me. I thank him for the unconditional love, the truth, the affection, the spoiling, the kindness, the supportiveness, and so many more. I thank him for all the experiences that I wouldn’t go back and change. And I thank him for shaping me into the person I am today. Because quite frankly, without him I would still be that same shy girl who didn’t talk to anyone but her friends. But he broke my shell and turned me into the outgoing person I am today. He made me into who I truly am and that’s why I am sitting here writing about it all. Because without him, I wouldn’t be me and this experience is what has brought me to where I am today. So, for all he did wrong, this boy will always be a huge part of me. And that’s why despite what everyone says, I continue to be friends with him. Vincent, you did a lot for me and you hurt me a lot, but I wouldn’t take it back for the world.

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