My story is long and not just about love. See my love story, or heartbreak, started long before my first crush. It started in the womb and as I learned about love every day after my birth. My choices in love and relationships were all based on the reality of my experiences and beliefs formed in my mind over years.
See, I grew up in a milder version of a religious cult, but still as controlling. I grew up Mormon or LDS. I grew up thinking that my religion was all about love when it really was all about human weakness, power, and control.
I won’t go into full detail here. Only to say that I was a devote mormon until the age of 27 or 28. Left after much religious research and began the excruiatingly scary job of rewiring my brain/rewriting what I wanted out of life. My life. At that time I left, I was married and had 2 children with a man who I was told was my soulmate…yet he didn’t respect or fully love the real me so I knew that could not be true. We divorced after a rocky few years outside the church and after agreeing upon an abortion.
So, back to love…
I knew love as conditional and controlling. From this model I began looking for what love meant to me. I was now starting from ashes, but I was scared.
A man, I now feel could have been my soulmate, entered my life on this blank stage of love and very literally saved me.
He also was divorced, an exmormon, and a deep thinker like me. He seemed to get me without me speaking.
I saw him the first time across the patio outside at a resort in RayBans sunglasses soaking in the sun exuding a love of life.
The new apartment I moved to has a sun symbol outside the door, the resort I met my soul man at has a sun in the logo, and I’ve been drawn to buy things with suns since my divorce.
I honestly do not know what to feel after my heartbreak other than a hope that love can be again.
From the ashes I will continue to build what I feel love is.