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This is some thoughts I wrote down about you…

This is some thoughts I wrote down about someone. I needed to get some of my thoughts out:
It was a weird feeling. I saw you, obviously you caught my attention because you were attractive, but there was something else that drew me towards you. I didn’t know what, but I knew I had to talk to you. We did, we talked, we laughed, I feel like we connected. We hung out nearly every minute of the day for four days. I didn’t expect it. I started to fall for you. I would call myself ridiculous if I haven’t experienced it, but I began to fall for you after a few days. On that last day, when I felt you pull me closer to you, if felt right. I felt a feeling of happiness I’ve never felt before. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a happy person, but it was a different feeling of happy. When we interlocked hands it just felt so right. Those final moments together. So innocent but passionate. The way you hugged me so tight and kissed the top of my head. The way you pulled me close and held my hand. I can honestly say I developed feelings for you. I felt what we had was real even though it was short lived. Distance is what is keeping us apart. And then, it started. You and my friend texted, very often. The way you said things in a flirtatious manner to her bothered me. I read one text that broke my heart. I physically felt it break. Possibly the worst night of my life, being completely heartbroken and not being able to show it then having to fall alseep with a terrible emotional pain that almost felt physical. You were on my mind the entire night. Waking up in the middle of the night feeling terrible. The emotional pain was worse than physical. I wanted to be mad, but you weren’t mine. You never were mine. I keep my feelings hidden, nobody knew how I adored you. I can’t tell anyone about my feelings. I don’t know why exactly. Worried of judgement, worried of being doubted. Accusations of being to young to understand. Worried of rejection, humiliation. I’m left here alone, completely alone with my thoughts. To hide my thoughts. To pretend nothing is wrong while I suffer a heartbreak. I’m generally a very happy person, but every now and then the thought of you creeps up on me and leaves me feeling empty and sad. But I can’t show it, I don’t want to explain. I’m terrified that others will find it weird or creepy. It’s the kind of sadness where you can’t even cry you just sit and think and stare not knowing what to do. One of my biggest fears isn’t us not being together, but you not feeling the same way towards me. I constantly replay our moments together in my head, was is something special? Was it real? Or do you treat many girls the same. I put a wall up to keep guys like that away, but my guard was down. I knew this would never work. I allowed myself to fall for you, even though I knew our time was limited. You lived so far. Maybe, it happened the way it was supposed to, it’s better to have loved, than to never loved at all. Maybe loving you and suffering through this pain, will allow me to appreciate love more. I miss you. So much. I think about you so much. I won’t text you though, I would feel like I’m annoying you. It’s honestly the worst feeling in the world. Missing you so terribly, not knowing how you feel, the possibility of never seeing you again. Every time I think of never seeing you again, a terrible wave of sadness comes over me. I know it’s probably true though. I’m not a dramatic person, but my heart honestly broke. Was it love? It couldn’t have been, I’m so young, it wasn’t even a week. But why would I feel like this? This happiness mixed with butterflies mixed with this terrible emotional pain. Thinking about you late at night, seeing you in my dreams. I pray one day, we see each other again. I’m not looking for a relationship, I just want you, in any form. I want to talk to you, laugh, have fun, just be in your presence. Before you, I believed in love, but never felt it. Now I understand, it can feel like being hit by a truck. And sometimes I feel a hopeful feeling in my heart. Do I believe in coincidences? The chances of us coming across each other were very slim, and how we connected like we did. Was it fate? Was this meant to happen? Did this occur because we are supposed to be in each other’s lives? Before you, I joked about just wanting my man to have money, but since I met you, if I could have you, or the richest man in the world, I would always pick you. And maybe one day I’ll fall in love, and maybe realize I wasn’t really in love. Or maybe, I’ll fall in love, and will always want you. But whether we ever exchange words again, you will always have a place in my heart. I will replay our memories In my head. I will compare you to everyone. You will have a special place in my heart. You were my first love.

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