I want to share my story. I’m 27 years old and have 3 children by 3 different men. I never thought I would. I was smart and could have had a very different life. I won’t take mine back even though I was nearly killed trying to live it. When I was a child I had dreams of a better life that where shattered and short lived. I’ve been molested, sexually assaulted, and beaten to a point I begged for my own life. I thought love wasn’t a real thing because I believed I had never felt it. Even after my children were born I struggled with the idea. If no one can love me then how do I love? In a sense I was delusional. My sisters loved me, my parents loved me and so have my children. How do I love when I’ve been cut so deep that it can no longer be stitched. I ask this question when I can’t get out of bed and feed my toddler a frozen pancake and sausage every morning. I beat myself up for not being better. For always thinking if I had been prepared my life would somehow be miraculously better. It’s possible it may haven’t been. Maybe my children saved me. Each in there own special way. The years of abuse left me in a downward spiral. Since it had started to the finish I had attempted suicide 3 times. I am still living and sometimes I question my existence. In my heart I know I’m meant to be here and I have a purpose but finding it has been turmoil. Somedays I want to relive it but then I realize I wouldn’t have what I have now. Which is a much better life than I started with. My biggest fear is me! I hold myself back from a self hatred that goes so deep I don’t even know if it’s possible to fix anymore. I realize the things that led me to this point but from my perspective now I place blame on the people who hurt me. I have yet to learn acceptance and I absolutely can not forgive. My hope is for a better tomorrow. One where I no longer feel angry or resentful. I want to move past this and I know I am not alone. There are so many of you struggling right along my side. Maybe we can do this together.
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