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I am in love with a girl who doesn’t…

I am in love with a girl who doesn’t love me.

Let me explain; I’ve known her for a little while. ‘Bout a year or two. We were friends for about that long. I would stay after school because I had to tutor, and she would stay because she had college classes.

Bit of exposition needed here; we go to a middle college and are therefore allowed to attend college and normal school at the same time.

We met one day, randomly, after school. We were both sitting by ourselves and we were kind of glancing over at each other until we both kind of spoke up at the same time. This is the conversation that led to what I’m about to share with you:

Her: “I’m hungry.”
Me: “There’s a Del Taco down the street.”
Her: “Hmm.”
Me: “D’you want to go?”
Her: “Sure, why not.”

Oh how simply trouble begins.

From then on we were confidants. We would spend time together and tell one another about our problems. She would tell me about guys and I would tell her about girls. We would talk about the futures we envisioned for the both of us… We grew closer gradually.

She switched schools, but during the second semester of our senior year she came back rather unexpectedly. It was like nothing had changed; we were still really close. I found out that she had met a guy and that she was in a certain situation. He was born into a gang and his mother had tried to kill him when he was younger. She told me how although she had ORIGINALLY told me that she wanted to wait for marriage, she decided that he was “the one”. So she had sex with him. On multiple occasions. She told me that the first time they did she cried; she had long thought that a friend of hers, another guy, would be her first. Didn’t end up that way.

I think I should point out the possible love interests, here. Changing the names a bit:

Adrian; her most recent boyfriend, “the one”.

Devon; the one she wanted to be her first.

John; not mentioned yet, but her longest relationship of two years. Abusive.

Wade; another ex-boyfriend, but only an ex because they moved.

John; another John, her best friend for a time who has kissed her before.

Those are the most influential ones, at least. There are several more, but they don’t come up much.

Anyways. We eventual start spending more and more time together. Eventually, inevitably, we begin to develop feelings for the other. At this time she’s still torn up over “Adrian”, who is not allowed to see her due to some sort of Gang Code. They eventually come up with a plan to fake a relationship for him so that they can be together. A few months pass and they eventually stop seeing each other in that way. She tells me that she loves him and it really hits me hard because at this point I’m head-over-heels for this girl. She tells me that she loves him do much and I honestly just want her to be happy, so in order to help her through her troubles I decide to drop my college courses and switch into her English period. She’s elated.

Eventually we kissed. Dunno how everything led up to that. It happens and from then on we’re a little different. We start acting “couple-y” in a way, and people at school start to notice. We go to a small school, and people notice things. We’re eventually considered an “item”.

We don’t really have any problems with people thinking we’re dating. We’re actually amused by it a little.

Time goes on. We go to every dance together, she pays for most of my stuff which I allow, we’re with each other all of the time. We kiss much more often, we cuddle, we talk about everything. She thinks she’s starting to get over Angel, but I know she still loves him. She still has very strong feelings for both him and Dillan and I don’t know how I feel about it.

One day when we’re in my room we’re kissing after having a talk about the future. She stops us when we’re getting a bit hot and heavy and tells me that she’s had sex. I’m confused, because the last time we had had sex (forgot about that; we had sex one day after our youth group closed up shop for the night. We went home that night and one thing led to another.) I end up asking her what she means by that and she tells me that she was hanging out with Adrian the day before and they just started having sex. She tells me she feels faithful to me and everything and that the sex wasn’t even long. It affects me quite a bit and she can tell. She cries a little and tells me that she doesn’t want anyone else; that she only wants me. Up to this point that’s how it’s been. I forgive her for it.

More dances happen. We go out a lot more, she comes over more often. We start to make plans for her living with me. She ends up telling me that her her mother doesn’t approve of our relationship because she thinks that it’s too soon for her daughter to be in a relationship after such a serious one as her’s and Adrian’s. She starts having misgivings about what our relationship is. She tells me that she doesn’t want anything short term, and I completely agree. She tells me that she doesn’t know what will happen for us because we both ship out for basic training (Marine Corps) in October, and after that we have different MOS’s and careers; she’s a commissioned professional musician at eighteen and I’m set on sniper school after basic. We kind of put the future in the back of our minds and just focus on the present. We start getting lovey-dovey. She refuses to believe that I love her.

Grad Nite. It was wonderful to start. We basically did everything together. We had dinner and went to Disneyland. Towards the end of the night she and I meet up with Devon, the one she wanted to lose her virginity to. I’m completely fine with it, because I know how she feels and she’s completely faithful to me, even though we aren’t dating. She and him are talking for a while and I decide to give them space, ’cause they hadn’t seen one another in a while and I knew how much she cared about him.

I end up leaving with two of our friends to check the line on a ride, thinking that she would know where we were going.

She ends up waiting for me where she last saw us, thinking we’re coming back while we’re actually looking all over for her. She essentially begins to believe that I abandoned her, and she’s right. I abandoned her. When I find her later she’s completely torn up by it and she’s lost trust in me. I’m practically begging her to forgive me and I’m crying because she’s not showing any emotion, but I can see that she’d been crying. We get home and she and I are starting to cool down. We make some macaroni and cheese the way we like it, crack open a bottle of cider and take the bottle open up to my room where we end up in bed. I start trying to initiate sex and she’s telling me that she’s trying to sleep, but I take it as her trying to be playful, because she had said it the same way before. I end up leaving her alone about it and a few hours later she leaves.

The same day she had a recital that she had been stressing about for a long time, and she really wanted me to go. I really, really, really wanted to go as well, but I had no way of getting there. I end up not going and she’s crushed by it. She starts laying into me by bringing up all of the times I’ve screwed up in our strange relationship and I’m begging for forgiveness. This is mixed in with periods of relative calm where we’re talking about us in a couple-y way. This was today.

An hour or so ago she and I were talking before she went to go see Tomorrowland, a movie that she wanted to watch with me and that I wanted to watch with her. We had been arguing over the morality of our relationship. She told me that she really likes me and cares about me, but she doesn’t know how we can be together if she’s leaving in October. Her mother doesn’t approve of us being together so soon after her last relationship and she doesn’t know what she wants. All I want is for her to be happy, and it would be perfect for her to be happy with me. I would do anything for her but she doesn’t believe me. We’re so lost.

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