I lost the only person who would hear my story
I don’t have quite a story to share. So, if you wanted something different keep scrolling. I’m writing, basically, because I lost the only person who would hear my story. Let’s call him Joe. I’ve dated and kissed other guys before and after him, but, he is simply my first love. He’s in my school, which is why I have to see him every single day. Now, I hate that. But before? I was so grateful for it. It was one of the few reasons why I loved my school, because I met the only guy that made me feel loved.
He fell in love with me, or so he says, when I had braces, a kind of an eyebrow, and I was seeing someone else. I friend zoned him at first. Anyway, he always cared a lot about me, I loved his sense of humour, how we laughed about everything. I laughed more with him than with the guy I was dating at the time. Eventually, I broke up with this guy who wasn’t sure of what he wanted. Joe and I kept on talking for other 3 months. I used to be worried everyday that he hadn’t talked to me. I was in love with him, everybody knew but me. And, let me say that he wasn’t quite a Prince Charming. Just an ordinary guy with a big heart, and I was willing to have him in my life no matter what, and, at the moment we were “just friends”. And so, March came. I said to Mary, a friend of mine, that I wanted to kiss someone. (It is a big deal when you are 15 and you live where I live). She said that she would look for someone to set me up with.
That same week, Joe and I were having lunch at the school. I remember how, by mistake of the cafeteria, we got two cokes for the price of one. (I don’t actually remember if that happened that same day. It’s just a funny memory that I like to keep). The point is that we had lunch together that day and I was joking around with his phone, and telling him that I would read his chats, especially Mary’s chat. They talked all the time and I was a little bit jealous, but he didn’t knew that. He thought that he was in the friend zone, and, somehow he was right. So, I ran away with his phone and he started following me. He plays football and he runs REALLY fast, so I didn’t had a chance. Until I got to the girl’s bathroom. THANK YOU PRIVACY! He entered the bathroom but the lady that worked there told him to stay out. THANK YOU LADY WHOEVER YOU ARE! And, I started reading his chat with Mary, and I found something that I wasn’t supposed to find out: first, he was in love with me (once again, everybody knew it but ME); secondly, my friend was in love with one of Joe’s friend. So, they were helping each other to get what they wanted. Not clear enough? Joe was helping her with his friend while she helped him to be with me. I wasn’t sure what to do with this information. haha. I was in shock. Later that day, I knew. I went to Mary’s house. I she told me that I could make out with JOE. I said “HMMM.. REALLY?” I told her what I found out, and made sure that she wouldn’t tell Joe a thing. She agreed with it, but she told me to do it in a party that week’s Saturday. I didn’t talked to Joe until that day, and things were weird between us. I wasn’t sure of what was I going to do until I got to the party. I was kind of shy, naive and stupid at the time. Bottom line, we did make out. too much drama for that ending, right? And, we’re 2 years aways of how I really lost him.
Back to the story, it was a really weird-cute-awkward moment. Despite of everything, he was my best friend. I had just made out with my best friend.
The next 6 weeks were a lot worse:
-Everyone found out (wasn’t my plan)
-I ignored him a lot
-People made lots of jokes about it
-I didn’t wanted to lose what was left of our friendship and I focussed my attention on someone else. This blond guy who I talked to a lot. When Joe found out that I “liked” this guy, he felt heartbroken and I felt so guilty of what I’ve had done. The last thing that I would have wanted was to hurt Joe’s feelings. But, I did.
Anyways, he still talked to me and he was there for me “even in my darkest hours”. I was so not expecting that, I thought that he hated me after how I made him feel.
And, April came by.. Oh, April. When I decide to do something, you bet I will. No matter what, I will. And so, I decided to tell Joe that I had feelings for him. I wasn’t sure what were his feeling for me, I thought that he already moved on. I slept on it a lot, I talked to his best friend who told me that Joe wasn’t going to wait forever, and he was right. The weekend before our school’s science fair, I told him that there was something that he needed to know, but it had to be in person. He told me that waiting would kill him, but later on, he notice that it was worth the while. That Tuesday, I said to him: “I kinda think that I had feelings for you” I still remember his smile and how he hugged me and kissed my cheek. After that I don’t know where he went, he disappeared.
To make the story short, we were together for almost two years 🙂 he had flaws, so did I. He was a very jealous person, which is why I started lying to him. Not because I cheated on him or anything, but because there were things that I thought that were pretty normal, like talking with other male friends or going out with my girl friends, and he would just be worried for nothing. He said that he got so jealous because he was afraid of losing me, I would just respond that I was with him because I wanted to and because I loved him. Don’t get me wrong. It was the most beautiful relationship I’ve ever had, and despite of every fight that we had and possible break ups, I could see myself growing old with him and only him. He meant everything to me. He was my best friend, my boyfriend, the one I could always count on. He was everything I ever wanted. But, things don’t always go as you want them to.
More fights came, more jealousy, more insults, more everything. I still loved him. Until, he was mad at me for logging in to his Instagram with “no permission”. I had worked on my lies and I was more open to lending him my phone (which I don’t do with NO ONE. You must earn it. And, he did) I though that there were no secrets between us, why would he be mad at me for that? He started to ignore me for a week, I would say “I love you” and he wouldn’t say it back.
One day, he told me that he kind of hated me and that he didn’t trusted me. I W A S I N S H O C K. I just asked to myself one simple question.. what the fuck were we doing together?.. Then I talked to him via text message, he answered that he had no idea. And, I kept on asking him things and he would answer the same fucking thing. I was sick of everything, and I told him that it was over. It’s been almost 6 months since that and I still believe that it was his plan to ignore me and then make me break up with him.
We still talk, sometimes. Sometimes we have good chats, but others we just argue like if we were still together. I already made out with two other guys, he just knows about one of them and he complained to me like if I had cheated on him. I still love him, but I wouldn’t mind if he did something with someone else. After all we’ve been through we deserve a special moment.
Yes, I said that I still love him. It’s true. But I would NEVER go back to being his girlfriend.
Someone asked me if I know the difference between kissing someone and kissing someone that loves you. I know the difference and it’s why I wouldn’t go back to be with him. Because, despite I loved the way he kissed me even after we broke up, our time it’s over. The next time I feel something similar to what I felt when I kissed Joe, I’ll know that I’m in love. And I will be forever grateful to him for that, for letting me know what it is to be deeply, madly, crazy in love with someone, and, that I you feel any less, then it’s not worth it.
Thank you, Joe.
I truly love you and always will.
PS to everyone who took the time to read this: Sorry for any grammar & spelling mistakes. “English as a Second Language”
