I’m not very good at expressing my thought so I’m sorry.
I have no friends, other then my husband. I’m a stay-at-home mom, which is a privilege I know, but it’s only really because any job I could get wouldn’t ever cover the cost of child care, so I’d really be paying to work at a horrible job… Anyway, because I’m a stay-at-home mom I don’t really have that many chances to meet people and I’ve been friendless for so long I’m not really sure if I know how to talk to people anymore. We don’t have any money so it gets really hard to go anywhere, further isolating myself. It’s too cold 90% of the year to even go play outside with my son. So all of my time, other then grocery shopping and church, is spent in a tiny military apartment, with no one to keep me company but a 10 month old boy and a dog who love to destroy the few good things we own and eat the all the food we can barely afford. My husband works almost 12 hours a day and when he is home all he wants to do it relax and be alone, which I can understand, but it leaves me to do all the parenting and cleaning on my own. Not to mention the fact that I’ve just spent the whole day with someone who doesn’t even understand what I’m saying to him. I want to have someone who I can talk to. Someone who actually cares about who I am. I get up ever day and do the same thing over and over again. Get up. Clean the kitchen. Get Cameron ready, feed him. Clean the living room. Make my husband and son lunch. Clean that up. Is this really all my life is? I have no personality anymore, I don’t even know what I like to do. I’ve repressed most of my memories because it just hurts to think about how empty and lonely my whole life has been. I think it’s been affecting my memories as a whole because I can hardly remember my pregnancy and that wasn’t even that long ago. I’ve lost myself. I feel like there is no purpose to anything. Maybe I should just give up on trying to change things.