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Never had a girlfriend, first time was with an escort

Could I be more pathetic?
I’m a 23 year old guy, I guess I have okay looks, but I was never satisfied with it. Anyway, I had my first (and last!) girlfriend when I was 13. It was a classic kiddie summer love, that was the first time I kissed. And in a way, the last time, too. See, in the last 10 years, I haven’t had any girlfriends. By the time I was 18, I was really frustrated that I’m still a virgin, so I went to have sex with an escort girl for money. She was my age, really nice and all, and I kind of enjoyed it, but it wasn’t the same as with a normal girl, with feelings involved. After that, in the last five years, I’ve been to at least 7 girls like this, to let of the steam. It were all better than the first time, but having sex 1-2 times a year with a girl I don’t love, just find her sexually attractive, is really empty. And the only girls I even made out with, were escorts, or drunk. So the last time, when I had a normal, sober kiss with a girl that actually liked/loved me too, was 10 years ago. And I never had sex with someone I didn’t have to pay to. So my self-esteem is pretty low, I no matter how I want a girlfriend, it’s just like girls can see through me, see that I never had a real girlfriend, and I’m a loser, even though obviously I don’t tell this to any one of them. It’s like a never ending loop, I can’t get a girlfriend because I never had one before. I know, I know, it’s all silly, I must keep trying and I’ll find someone. I know this, it’s just hard to wait all the time. I felt like writing this will help, we’ll see. Thanks for reading.

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