I have this friend. Girlfriend perhaps. She told me that she likes me first, about a year ago. But the thing is, she is asexual and aromantic so she is not sure if she likes me in a romantic way because she doesn’t even know what exactly a romantic feeling is.

I told her that I was actually having romantic feelings towards her and before it got weird I added I didn’t want to change anything in the way we are because honestly, I really don’t.

We have great conversations, I enjoy talking to her, I know she enjoys talking to me and that’s enough for me… mostly. She lives in another country so we never actually see each other. I have no reason to be jealous of her, I am NOT jealous of her but sometimes she gets really sappy and says very cute things and other times I return the favour.

My problem is that, she never talks to me when she is stressed or upset about a thing. She talks to me about them, just not during when she has those moments. Unless they happen during we are messaging to each other. But she has exams this upcoming week and she has been studying for those.

She did tell me how long she studies, she definitely has time to talk to me but she just didn’t say a word for an entire week. At first, I was okay with this kind of taking time off stuff but now I am not because I am worried about her. I mean, how hard can it be to just say “Hey, I am doing fine, don’t worry I will be studying” but nope, I don’t even hear a single word from her for days. It wouldn’t be an issue if we lived close but she is all the way over to the Europe and here I am, a sad piece of potato living on my bed, waiting for a text. I can’t even help her by being there for her so at least I should get the chance to talk to every occasionally, you know? And there she is, going to sleepovers and hangs out with friends in libraries and I am jealous of that, not because I think she might be cheating, never.

But because I never get to have that kind of moments with her. Just enjoying the silence together. And like a while ago when I asked if she had any problems with me (because I am insecure and I need constant reassuring alright?) she said no and since I wasn’t pushing her about anything and blah blah and how I didn’t even call her my girlfriend because that would make her feel uncomfortable but HEY HERE IS ME; SOMEONE WHO IS ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN YOU WHO WOULD LOVE TO CALL YOU THEIR GIRLFRIEND. I don’t know man, sometimes it feels like… Does she even miss me at all or does she only talk to me because she has nothing better to do? I mean she wouldn’t waste two years just to use me as a toy but I can’t stop myself from feeling unnecessary.

She can live perfectly without me and I feel like a burden at this point. Or maybe I am just an ungrateful child. Who knows? Absolutely not me. I guess I want to be irreplaceable. I want her to be as clingy as I am. I want her to worry about me, I want to feel, actually loved. If I didn’t talk to her for two entire days, I want her to miss me instead of just asking me if I am okay. And the worst part is that I am losing interest. I don’t want her to see me as a friend but I don’t feel as intensely in love as I used to do a year ago when we confessed to each other. Because if I told her that I wasn’t romantically into her anymore, would she be upset? Would she feel kind of jealous? Would she try to make me feel again? I want her to try, I want to know that she cares about me more than a normal friend. She says she does. She says when she talks to her best friend, whom she used to think she had feelings for, she feels only a fraction of what she feels for me. But that’s how she describes it. More powerful best friendship.

Am I weird for wanting more? Does this make me a bad person? Sigh. I have no idea and this bugs my mind a lot. I just needed a place to vent off to and I did. I guess I should have a drink.