It’s been exactly 72 hours since my life was flipped upside down. Not to mislead anyone, this life was anything but perfect, but it was a life I fought for every day. Although things weren’t peaches and cream, I didn’t expect my significant other, my soul mate, my everything of 7 years, to step out on our relationship. I’ll never forget the last 72 hours of my life since finding out.
The best way to describe it is to imagine your head as a Magic 8 ball. Your head is shaking rapidly back and forth and you then wait for the triangle to appear and answer your problem. But yet, the triangle in the Magic 8 ball, the “answer”, never appears. Instead, the triangle just spins around and around and never becomes clear on what you are supposed to do. The triangle just keeps spinning as if it is trying to break through a thin layer of confusion. What is going on? What do I do? Do I stay? Do I go? It’s an impossible decision to make because there is no right answer. Before this ever happened to me, I thought the answer would always be so clear… zero tolerance for cheating. If someone can do that to me, they don’t deserve me. But then it happened all of the sudden. My brain immediately told me, “You know what you need to do. Be strong.” Then my heart counteracted, “I’m not ready. I still love this man with all my heart.” When your brain and heart are telling you different things, what do you do? The most accurate quote I found to explain how I was feeling was “They say ‘follow your heart,’ but if your heart is shattered into a million pieces, which piece do you follow?” The triangle in my Magic 8 ball changed almost hourly from, “This is it. Bottom line. A line was crossed that can never be undone. You will never completely forgive and definitely never forget. You can never go back from this,” and then, oppositely, “Seven years. He made a mistake. People make mistakes. Just because he threw the relationship away, I’m not sure I am ready to throw it all away. I still love him with all my heart and can’t imagine life without him.”
A little bit of back story, our life together was always amazing yet always evolving. He was 23 and I was 25 when we met and decided to pursue a relationship. The exact date we met was October 9, 2010 (“10-9-10”). He had just joined the military for Navy Seal training and I had just decided to go back to school to become a nurse. Unfortunately, his dream of becoming a Navy Seal was quickly swept out from under him from an injury during basic training. He was devastated. Once he returned home, I thought we could recover from it through the love and support we had for each other. I continued to pursue my nursing pre-requisites and he decided to fulfil an alternate dream of becoming a police officer. He put everything he had into becoming a cop and I gave him everything I had to support him. I went to every physical test, interview, polygraph, and psychological battery he was ever offered to show my love and support for the man I believed in; who would make the most amazing police office there ever was. After quite a few strenuous months of applying, he was offered a position as a reserve officer which he immediately pursued while working simultaneously as a corrections officer. All the while, I continued to pursue my pre-requisites for nursing school with my eye on the prize. Approximately one year after being a reserve police officer, he struggled through a rigorous hiring process for a department that was located about 100 miles from where we currently lived. He got the job and I was thrilled. He didn’t even have to convince me to leave my current job of 10 years, that I loved with all my heart, to follow him in his dreams. No questions asked. No hesitation. We uprooted both our lives 100 miles from where we grew up to pursue his dream of being a full time, paid police officer.
The first year away (2013) we rented a home while he became comfortable yet challenged in his dream job. I transferred all my credits to a school closer to our home and continued to pursue my dream as well. He stayed at his entry level position for approximately 1 year before he decided to switch to a department that had more room for growth. I, without a doubt, supported his decision, always, so he accepted this new position. During this time, I finished my pre-reqs for nursing school and began applying to local nursing schools. Shortly after his new employment at this department, he decided he wanted to move up even further to a Sheriff’s Deputy position. Again, I supported this decision and was so proud of the man he had become. Just as importantly, I was proud of the woman he inspired me to be and how he encouraged to strive to accomplish my dreams.
We bought a house in October 2014 and by spring of 2015, I had been accepted into three nursing programs. Of course, I chose the nursing school closest to our home and began actual nursing school in September of 2015. I was elated! I felt everything was falling into place for me…. and more importantly for the future I was building with my soul mate. He began his third, paid position as a police officer on December 1, 2015 as a sheriff’s deputy. I’ll never forget that date because it is the same day as my sister’s birthday. Little did I know that this was the position that would change our lives forever….
On June 18, 2017, I was pinned during my nursing pinning ceremony symbolizing the accomplishment of nursing school and vowing to care for patients efficiently and safely with every being inside my body. My euphoria was soon crushed just the following day as I found out what I called forever was no longer forever. My soul mate had been emotionally and physically intimate with another woman for approximately 5 months prior… His co-worker. A woman who knew about me since the beginning of him being hired.
With more detail to follow in my sequential postings, I’m starting this blog to express my feelings and detail the journey I’m going through as it unfolds. Some may say it’s not healthy to keep this kind of record… being it is through such a terrible time in one’s life. I, however, feel this may give me insight and eventually discover my Magic 8 ball answer.
