The day of December 5th, 1981, I was brought into this world as I know of a life of trials and struggle. It was the fall of 1985 when I first encountered what I thought was an expression of love. As a young child, I was not exposed to what one would say nurturing and loving environment. At the age of 4 a part of me was taken unwilling. The most precious thing a person has and never can be given back, my virginity. I have died on the inside and life has stopped.
My uncle Donald, my mother’s brother, he came to live with us for many years. I can remember in detail every night that I spent beside him. I can see the things he has done. Not only do I see the wrong but also, I feel the wrong. We spent many nights watching porn and going through pornographic magazines. I learned how to purchase such items. I remember the days and nights he would touch me on the water bed he owned. Male ejaculation was not uncommon for such a child. The feeling of warm liquid on my face and mouth was disgusting. As I got older, I learned how to satisfy a man. Older meant at the age of 8. I thought that was the way of life and a way to show love. At that time, I accepted the way things were going. He started to medicate me when I was 10 with Excedrin pm.
You may be wondering where were my parents. Not only was I was experiencing sexual abuse but at the same time my father was very dangerous. I have been brought up watching my mother and my older brother be beaten. My father was an alcoholic for several years. When I reached the age of 8 I can remember when his aggression had turned to me. This latest for many more years.
At the right age of 11 I began my menstruation. The sexual abuse from my uncle than stopped but the beating from my father continued. Until the day my father became violent and armed with whatever he could grab. That night I witnessed myself on the floor with his two hands wrapped around my throat and a coffee pot being thrown with my two brothers on his back. All of my family history was destroyed by the fire my father made in the front yard. All of our belongings were gone.
The year 1992 my uncle was convicted with sodomy rape in the first degree. My father was in jail for domestic violence. I thought that finally I could grow up and have a life. Until I turned 13 I decided to go out with a few of my friends. They were a few years older than I. We drove around drinking a bit and stopped at the railroad tracks where I discovered a gun in the glove department. Needless to say, I was at their mercy. I have been molested again by 3 guys.
My mother and myself with my brother moved to Alabama. At this time, I was 15 of age. My mother would go to work for a few days out of town. She had no problem with me staying home attending school. I was very much mature at this point. I had a friend which he was a few years younger than I. He lived next door to me with his father. I went over to watch a movie around 7 pm. The father had offered me a glass of coca cola. I took the glass from him and took a few drinks. I can only remember not being able to move on the edge of the bed with his mouth around my vagina. I was paralyzed, and I was in and out. I can recall waking up in a closet around 11 am the next day with my panties on and a white t-shirt. That’s when I have decided that I need to do something different. I moved back to my home town and got married to my best friend and teenage sweetheart. We were married December 2nd, 1998.
After a couple years into our marriage he began drinking heavily and becoming violent. We had our first child July of 2000 and second in August of 2001 and third September 2002. I recall coming home for work and beer bottles left everywhere and kids still in bed with soiled diapers. The last thing I remember him doing is throwing a vacuum cleaner at me as I was holding his infant child. Our divorce was final December 13, 2006. I obtained custody of my three children. I met so called second husband, I hate even bringing this up, I was so foolish. So here it goes, this man was 18 years older than I. I don’t know what I was thinking at this time. He was the type that was really controlling and physically and emotionally abusive. If I didn’t do something right I was sure to do it right the next time. I had food thrown at me and had been punched closed fist in the face. He was unfaithful throughout our relationship. This marriage lasted for 3 years. Now to my previous relationship, I thought that I had it all figured out. He had 3 children that I adored from his previous marriage. The mother ran off and left to be with someone else. I decided to step in and care for them. Our relationship started off okay I guess. A lot of stress with 6 children. After 6 months go by I found out that he was a previous drug addict. I than noticed a whole lot of pornographic books. My thought was that he was a single father a bachelor. I expressed my concerns to him than explained all I had been through. My thought was he understood, it came to be that he was all talk and he was addicted to porn. We got married after 4 years of being together. He became emotionally, physically, verbally and psychology abusive. During the nine years of this relationship I attempted suicide twice. He made me believe I was crazy. During the last two years of our relationship I saw this man at work, at that moment I had an over whelming feeling of butterflies. I found myself becoming excited about going to work for the first time. Than it happened, we ended up working beside each other. We spoke all summer to one another. I got to know him, he brought life back into me, I was reborn. I would smile every time I would see him. I haven’t shared with him all the details of my past. For the fear of ruining something great. I divorced my previous husband March 3, 2017. I finally left him in October 12, 2016. I started my new relationship on that day. It has been a year and four days now and I couldn’t be more happier and in love. He has not hurt me in any way or disrespected me. This is a new beginning in my life. He has exposed me to a whole new world with places and people. I have developed fear, False Emotions Appearing Real. I am scared he might change and afraid that he will not love me anymore when I age or if something happens. I have communication difficulties now and not able to trust anyone because of all I have experienced in life. I am a hard woman to understand because I don’t want to be known. With all of this, I am now 35 years old working on my career and have 3 beautiful understanding teenagers and a loving boyfriend and his son. I have made it and still continue to except my past and move forward with the loving people that surround me. So, there is hope, I just became stronger and wiser. Knowing that one-day karma will come to those who have come to my life to cause such a great deal of pain.
